I love you. I hate you.

Here I am having to face
this ugly truth,
the story of my life.

You are here with me
but not truly "here".
You said that at the time
you meant every word.
What does that even mean?
How could you tell me
every day for a decade
that you love me completely,
that you want to spend forever together,
that you respect me,
care for me,
cannot live without me.

You Made me trust you completely
and then turn around and say
you don't love me anymore.

You can't believe I didn't know
there was someone else,
that you did not lie to me...

You made feel that by
trusting you somehow made it
my fault that you
stopped loving me.
My fault that you
made decision after decision
to betray me,
to destroy me,
to murder me...

Even in my darkest moments,
-when I only want to
stop existing,
stop breathing,
fall to my knees and
beg you to stop turning
the knife in my heart,-
I have to face the facts,

I love you on a level
were I have no choice anymore.
I accept what little
you toss my way,
keeping a smile on my face
even though I know
that I will never be able
to trust in you
or anybody else again.

I cannot take your word
on any matter 
because you don't really
care anymore and never did
as you showed me less
consideration than you would
a total stranger,
or a street beggar.

Despite everything I know
I cannot stop loving you,
it is not in my power.
It would be easier
to stop breathing...
To stop my heart beating
with just a thought,
to will my blood
to stop flowing...

This is your legacy:
I will never be whole again
I will never trust again
I will never show anyone
my true face again.
I will never allow anyone in again.
I will never again know the
freedom, comfort and security
of trusting so completely
that I can take off the masks
and break down the walls.

Forever to hide everything
about myself, never again know
love without pain.
Never again see the line
between love and hate,
for me there is none anymore.

I sometimes see the man I fell
in love with,
the one who loved me,
and promised to never hurt me.
Who promised me forever...
And then I see the stranger
whom I hate with a burning
self destructive intensity.
The who one made choice after choice
knowing it will break me.
Who made decisions that affect me more
that it ever will you.
Who is still lying to me every single  moment
of every single day,
thinking that I don't know
about all the other women...

I love you completely.
I hate you intensely.
I wish I never met you,
loved you,
gave myself to you.
I wish I could go back and remember 
my decision to never allow
any man into my life again.
To never give anyone the
power again to hurt me
and destroy me.

I wish I could just forget
that I ever loved you.
I wish I could now just stop loving you.
I wish I could only hate you
I wish I never allowed you in.

You're my angel who gave me
a reason to live by taking my love
and making hundreds of promises
that you never intended to keep.
You're  my demon who waited
until I had nothing else to give
and then took pleasure in breaking
me down and inflicting maximum damage.
I love you...
I hate you...
I only want to leave.
Leave this place.
Leave this time.
Leave this world...