torture

i can't think straight
i'm so sad, but no pity allowed;
for nothing could help this...
well, perhaps a professional,
but that isn't needed
nor really wanted;
because i want you.
i'm not myself.
i cannot feel my face.
everything's so numb.
my thoughts are uncontrolled.
i need you.
can't you tell?
i'm such a mess otherwise.
i know i say too much,
sometimes,
but you deserve it;
the reminders,
that someone loves you
and cares so dearly.
i know i'm sad,
but your happiness
is far more important.
and i just have these...
these pills.
numbness is all i have.
i have nothing.
am i a fool?
i'm just fighting everything away.
granted the pills help
with my back pains,
but the numbness
that comes with,
helps me cope.
how did you do it?