deepundergroundpoetry.com
the sun
Laugh with me, dance with me
Do something
Talk to me cry with me
Say something
Goodbye sunlight we'll meet next time
So long boredom I hope I become
Something I see nothing that haunts me
It's gone I'm done
Chasing the sun
Hello darkness help me regret
Loving the sun help me forget
Statlight moonlight all bare
Sunlight
It's gone I'm done
Chasing the sun
Do something
Talk to me cry with me
Say something
Goodbye sunlight we'll meet next time
So long boredom I hope I become
Something I see nothing that haunts me
It's gone I'm done
Chasing the sun
Hello darkness help me regret
Loving the sun help me forget
Statlight moonlight all bare
Sunlight
It's gone I'm done
Chasing the sun
Published 3rd Jul 2015
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The author encourages honest critique.
3rd Jul 2015 10:50am
We all want to hide from the sun sometimes and this is a good effort. Your second verse is a bit muddled, though, and your fourth line doesn't need 'sunlight' at the end. I have a feeling if you worked in a little bit of 'starlight, starlight, first star I see tonight' into that particular verse it could be very useful in bringing across the meaning of the poem. Hope this helps you!
3rd Jul 2015 1:01pm
This is a song about telling my lost love (the sunlight) that I'm going away, left to live in darkness. The first verse has longing for the past but hope of the future. That lone sunlight is part of the starlight and moonlight line. The first lines are the chorus, very strange structure but it works very well musically. Thank you for the criticism!!
