Outbursts

Outbursts.
It began as surprise attacks of affection. It was kinda cute. You kissed me to end the argument, or snuck up behind me for a hug.

Then came the shocking expressions. It was eye opening indeed. I felt trusted. That you were relaxing around me. Showing the real you, even if it wasn’t all beauty.

Slowly you “opened up” more and more. I remember thinking; ‘nothing is wrong, we’ve just passed the honeymoon stage’. I bit my tongue, and held my breath so that your poor soul wouldn’t fret.

Yelling came soon. I had witnessed reverse metamorphosis. You transformed from this ugly creature that just ate everything in its wake.

Fear came quickly after that. Each time you raised your hand to scratch your back, I flinched, and thought of apologies. I was ashamed. I had made you this way. “I didn’t mean to” I’d planned to say.

Bruises followed in the next few days. You quit scratching your back, and began breaking mine. I dropped a plate once, and I could have sworn I tried to steal your last dime. You reacted faster than the plate broke. Snapping your whip.

Tears arrived afterwards. You stormed away, after the order to “clean up this mess, and get me a new plate” “You’re a heifer not a horse, why the long face?” was your clever joke you’d say.

Epiphanies graced me, finally. I replayed every moment. Every “I love you.” every scream. Every tear. I quickly realized there was more sadness than love, and even more terror than sorrow. I took a deep breath, and planned my escape.

Regret was with me as I packed my things. Regret for dropping the plate, regret for speaking the way. I help my breath thinking if I could just disappear then you’d end up okay.

Running. I was running. From our house. It had long before stopped being a home. From you. You had disappeared into the darkness. Your mind was not your own. I hoped.

Tripping. I remember tripping. I hit the coffee table, and everything was fuzzy.

Beating. I remember the beating of your heart, and my body.

Crying. I remember crying. The mixture of salt and blood burned.

Regretting. You, I remember being the only regret.
Smiling. I can’t remember smiling.

Loving. I don’t recall loving.

Hating. I remember slipping into your habitat, as you took me away, your face was the last thing I remember hating that day.

Withering. I remember being eroded by your fists. I even quit screaming as I was withering away.

Dying. Ah, yes I remember that one as if it was happening now. I spilled your beer, and you had had a long day.