filthy escruciating rape: psychiatric ward

Aus Hermann Hesse:

Und wenn ins besonders begabten und zart organisirten Menschenseelen die Ahnung ihrer Vielsrältigkeit aufdämmert, wenn sie, wie jedes Genie, den Wahn der Persöhnlichheitseiheit durchbrechen, und sich als mehrteilig, als ein Bündel aus vielen Ichs empfinden, so brauchen sie nur das zu äussern, und alsbald sperrt die Majorität sie ein, ruft die Wissenschaft zu Hilfe, konstatiert Schizophrenie und beschützt die Menschheit davor, aus dem Munde dieser Unglücklichen einen Ruf der Wahrheit wahrnehmen zu müssen.

These words are not exactly about myself, because i am not Genius, the only what was Genius on me, is my ability to love my beloved, idealise my friends and dream of unearthy amiticia.
Still i need to say to dup, that my schizophreny is corruptely fabricated issue. Yes of cause like romantic punk i lost my mind long ago. Still i want you to know how one artist, i forgot who said: you know what is a difference between madman and me? I am not mad. So i despite romantique extase mixed with classic contemplatation, which could be tooken for madness, i want insure that i am not mad.

And the spectacle which happen with me summarily 12th month in german psychiatry is a peak of weirdly cynical corruption, which has to aim, that i entirely lost my mind, commit suicide or will be blamefuly excluded from society as most filthy misery. they politicise, sacralisize and differently trixed my every breath and step. to think that i am apolitical, assexesuel, neither i am just slightly bit smart. They know any littlest detail from my biographie and tricks me with my facts, my geographies, my friends and aquantances..I wrote about in deranged form of my ugly not poems texts of recent two months, but most painfull is enorm fluctation of patients in room where i sleep, with a recent (last) room mate Natalie ( to third time within 12 months when air will be thick comes neighbore Natalie, same name like one beloved woman of my youth.

Here is a poem, dedicated to her:

(перевод с англ.)

Моя могущественная леди
моя блонд екстроваганца
я мелко дрожу в сладкой галюцинации
памяти наших дней и ночей
твоя нежная любовь и строгий приказ..
противоречить тебе
было таким рискованным удовольствием

Где ты сеичас?
Ты всё ещё такая же дерзкая и шальная?
Ты забыла меня?
Кто нибудь есть у тебя кто называет тебя
моя дорогая змея?
Где ты? как ты?

Наши амазонские подвиги...мы были наглы и молоды
Однажды мы почти испугались глядя в милые лица
едоков картофеля, картинки Ван Гога
ТЫ ещё помнишь?

*****



natalie

my powerful lady
my blond ethereal exstravaganza
i tremble in twisted hallucination
of our days and nights
your gentle and dominant love
sweeted my guts
to contravert you
was so venturous delight
where you now?
Are you still so cocky and sharp?
did you forget me?
does somebody exist who calls you my dear serpent?
where are you?
how the life play with you?
This morning i reminisce and i miss you so much

oh, times.., our dyke bound...we were swift and stiff young
once we got quite uncanny state by watching the pic
of van gogh „potato eaters“

can you yet remind?