BUKOWSKI IN HELL --A One Act Play/ THE CONCLUSION

We last left the two Hell-mates, Bukowski and Douglas, fighting each other fiercely.But the intrusion of the young poet changes things...


YOUNG POET (off stage) Hey Bukowski, I have a hot beer for you!

(BUK breaks away from DOUGLAS, the POET'S offer is like an announcement of salvation)

BUK: What's that again?

YOUNG POET (off stage)
Sounds like another crummy bar fight in San Pedro. You guys fighting over my talent? I said I have a hot beer for you--IF you listen to my new poem.

BUK: O.K. O.K. I'm listening. On with it!

(during recitation BUK registers each word painfully, wincing, plugging his ears, clutching his heart, etc., as if each syllable is a dagger plunging into him)

YOUNG POET (off stage)
This one's called DANCE SHADOWS. "Raquel, the beating , the fast beating of my heart, in the night, imagining the joy of your beauty, the sunburst of your hair, the ivory of your hands, Raquel, your almost Oriental eyes, Raquel the beating of my heart, as each day we step closer,  to each other, the beating of my heart...


BUK: Wonderful! You're breaking new ground, a whole new genre--heart attack poem.No,only kidding. Every word touched every part of my being! Now lower those suds, partner.

(BUK opens trap door, brings down a can and gulps it like water)

DOUGLAS: (looking up, addressing the YOUNG POET) Hey, poet,how bout one for me?

YOUNG POET: Who's that voice?

DOUGLAS: I'm Bukowski. I mean Douglas. We're Hell-mates.

(DOUGLAS'S  slip of tongue perplexes BUK, who looks askance at DOUGLAS)

DOUGLAS: One thing I admired about you was your ability to hold liquor.

BUK: (up to trap door) Some more suds, Shakespeare.

(both men reach up as a couple cans are dropped and the men tear into them)

BUK: You don't know how to fight. I could have K O'd your goddamned ass in the first minute.

(BUK feints a mean left hook, DOUGLAS cowers)

BUK: You ain't no Bukowski, baby.No sissy footing unless for a surprise blow back huh?

(BUK demonstrates in pantomime while DOUGLAS watches sedulously)

DOUGLAS: I've made a mental note.

BUK: Jesus What I wouldn't give for another hot beer. Hey, Lord Byron, you got another masterpiece to read us? (no answer from above) He's gone. One hot beer. Good title for a poem.

RACETRACK ANNOUNCER: (off stage) Hello racing fans, here's the 9th and final race from beautiful Santa Anita racetrack.

(BUK AND DOUGLAS fold their hands and lift them heavenward in beseeching prayer.)

RACETRACK ANNOUNCER : (off stage) There they go, Hookie Bandit out in front, Imelda's Fury breaking on the outside; around the stretch it's Plenty of Speed in front, Imelda's Fury close behind, here comes Mirabelle , Mirabelle rushing for the lead (BUK and DOUGLAS visibly ecstatic) Imelda's Fury trailing, Hookie Bandit behind and Mirabelle now way out in front (the men throw their arms around each other)Hookie Bandit lagging behind , Imelda's Fury closing ground  Imelda's Fury out in front, Hookie Bandit, Plenty of Speed , it's Imelda's fury over easy, Hookie Bandit second and Plenty of Speed third.

(both men are like dishrags, life wrung out of them.)

(BUK tries to jiggle some beer out of a can ,gives up,pops it under foot, sinks dejectedly to the ground)

(DOUGLAS has moved off to the side making short paces in his disappointment)

DOUGLAS: Thank God we didn't have a dime riding on it.

BUK: I used to pick 'em so well in life. Shit!

DOUGLAS: (suddenly animated)  Hear that diesel toot? That's Maria Gonzales in her catering truck.

BUK: (listlessly, drowsily) I didn't hear a goddamned thing.

(lights fade out on BUK center stage and up on DOUGLAS to the side)

DOUGLAS: Hello Maria. Where are you?

MARIA: (off stage) Good day, Douglas. I'm making my rounds in the extraterrestial world. Location secret. But you feel me with you, don't you?

DOUGLAS: I do. Oh, that I do. Amazing.

MARIA (off stage) Nothing is impossible if you have faith, if you're truly repentant of your past. The Heavenly Forces have given me the power to grant your wish. You've communicated it to me by all your actions down below.(pause) Be still now. .. Touch your nose...

PRODUCTION NOTE : The actor playing DOUGLAS can give himself a quick appearance transformation during the following sequence by turning his back slightly to audience , affording him the chance to rearrange his hairstyle and apply a bumpy latex nose before he faces front again.


DOUGLAS: Why, it's rounder ...and a little nubby.

MARIA: (off stage) I think we should start there. With the pebble nose.

DOUGLAS: (laughing) Pebble nose? Is that what you call it?

MARIA: (off stage) It's his most distinguishing feature . Now your hair. Feel any different?

DOUGLAS: Less up there. And yes, those large bald spheres at the sides. Perfect!

( almost simultaneously on the word "perfect" light dims on DOUGLAS and up again on BUK in center stage)

BUK: (suddenly sitting up, voice loud and piercing ) Charles Bukowski! Charles Bukowski in number four!(then on his feet and rushing towards DOUGLAS)

BUK: (continued) One more day! I'll have the rent!Don't evict me! There's a daily double tomorrow at Hollywood Park. Sure bet. Insider info! Trust me! I can't take those cold streets again! I need my bungalow and the azaleas in the courtyard...and...

DOUGLAS: And the long parade of sweet pussies prancing through my humble doorway and...

(BUK is startled into wakefulness, confronting DOUGLAS' new appearance)

DOUGLAS: It's only you. I mean me.I mean us.

BUK:I was having a nightmare.It was those horrible old days again.( he does a double take on DOUGLAS) Why do I see my face in yours? Am I still dreaming?

DOUGLAS: Souls travel in Hell. It's common knowledge.

(BUK (takes a seat on the steps, beginning to relax now)

BUK: They say couples who are married for a long time begin to acquire one or the other's looks. Same with a master and his dog. Maybe that's what's happening.

DOUGLAS: I'm not your dog..I'm...

BUK: Of course not. I didnt mean...

(SOUNDS OFF STAGE--loud rumbling noises, much incoherent commotion, gruff, menacing voices)

(BUK rising , plugging his ears)

BUK: Jesus! I feel like I'm back working in the post office!

DOUGLAS: Maybe it's our coffee.

BUK: Coffee? I don't hear the squeaking wheels. More like a pitchfork grating.

DEVIL: (off stage) O.K. men. This is the Devil.  No more playing house in Hell. You're going into the fiery pits! I'm coming for you. I'm on my way!

(BUK and DOUGLAS exchange meaninful glances, then thrust their fists outward and up in a vengeful challenge, and with unassailable conquering force warn:)

BUK/DOUGLAS (in unison) DON'T TRY!

(the DEVIL drops through the trap door. BUK and DOUGLAS tackle him and slug him till he falls on the ground in a struggling heap)

( an ARCHANGEL complete with wings descends from the trap door and scurries down the stone steps. she grabs the hands of BUK and DOUGLAS)

ARCHANGEL: Hurry fellas! Heaven can't wait!!!!!

(all three clamber quickly up the stone steps toward the trap door)



--end of play--

copyright (c) 2002