Who would've thought an acceptance letter would make me wanna die this much more

This is was what I was raised for
searching for the highest SAT scores
brought from ABC’s to college tuition and choosing a degree
there is no in between
you are born for what life dictates you to be

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people are born into the hands of others
Instead I was dropped
nobody wants to hold the condemned baby
born despondent, started as a failure
condemned to being the 18 year cautionary tale

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I was a ticking clock
I had 18 years
It was supposed to be an explosion so violent I would disappear
you’d be lucky to find pieces of me left in the air
or so I thought

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instead my whole world decided to implode instead
I compressed deeper than ever before
my bones cracked, my voice cracked
I deflated more jaded and faded than I could’ve imagined years before
There were no sparks or violent reactions
there was just me, 18 years of ‘it will get better’s left deflating

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I found out being legal doesn’t hold much freedom
my first legal adult decision was committing myself to a psych ward
isn’t that ironic
am I that sardonic?
My first choice was being choiceless
I laugh instead of crying
I’m just a shadow of expectations

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the first thing I did was float off my therapist couch to the hospital bed
I kept saying I couldn’t breath, couldn’t feel, could barely see
The nurse just pumped the blood pressure cuff
blood pumping to the beat
no attention to my desperate calls
turns out they just echoed in my head
turns out that my tongue had deserted me long before

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later I’m settled in
the plastic bracelet cutting into my pale skin
the feeling of a cigarette still burning through my skin
while I sit in a gown numbed from the neck up
sitting on a stiff bed with the cameras looking down at me

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I hold my friends and watch the tv
a tray of plastic sustenance, some nicotine burning in my mouth
but if you'd asked me
I'd have had no idea where I was that night

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I thought I anchored myself down, turns out the anchor wasn’t nearly heavy enough
turns out being legal doesn’t hold much weight
all it means is that I can make bigger mistakes
bigger fuck ups and no net

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you drop me deeper and deeper
I’m in the deep end but it turns out I’m not the best swimmer
I resign myself to drowning
but my brainstem kicks in and keeps me barely floating
keeps me barely living

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maybe my whole purpose is being utterly null
the stakes are rising and I just fall faster
I am the example
the cautionary tale, the ‘don’t do this’ the ‘don’t be that’
what the lectures at school warn that you will become
am I truly here?
I must not be, you can’t disappear if you were never there

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Instead I find myself 5 months down the lane
5 inches deeper in the ground
sinking

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I find myself wishing that the ammunition would’ve sparked through my veins
one part of myself could have done it’s job
Damned to be so far from the end

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I don’t believe in god but I pray harder anyway
please don’t let me be 1/5 through whatever the fuck I’m in