deepundergroundpoetry.com
Lucifer’s love sonnet
I smeared my length-width with your lotion, Laid
My powdered bricks on welded chassis free
Until sulfuric acid formed a spree,
A larynx choked on Shah Jahan’s lone bed.
Ties kindred, yellow marble fingers stunt'd
That bled from thorn-pricked thrones, their royal d’cree
Spray-painting wrath on trunks of soft-wood trees
And golden tombs that soaked white cells donat’d.
Colloidal ramblings, should I baffle, blend
Naïvety, surpassed test track maglev trends,
Joints burning, gnawing teeth of pleasure quaint
Might blind this destiny; the love they fend
Off... timed escape from pregnant aged bend.
Bend knots, at times, their fragrance cools my saints.
My powdered bricks on welded chassis free
Until sulfuric acid formed a spree,
A larynx choked on Shah Jahan’s lone bed.
Ties kindred, yellow marble fingers stunt'd
That bled from thorn-pricked thrones, their royal d’cree
Spray-painting wrath on trunks of soft-wood trees
And golden tombs that soaked white cells donat’d.
Colloidal ramblings, should I baffle, blend
Naïvety, surpassed test track maglev trends,
Joints burning, gnawing teeth of pleasure quaint
Might blind this destiny; the love they fend
Off... timed escape from pregnant aged bend.
Bend knots, at times, their fragrance cools my saints.
Published 7th May 2011
| Edited 3rd Jan 2013
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7th May 2011 7:33am
7th May 2011 9:55pm
You've just about nailed it, I must say. I love the contrast you create between contemporary language and imagery and the classical skeleton of the sonnet.
You overuse the apostrophe to a shameful degree though ;) Most of the places you've put it don't require elision at all and I'm really not sure why you've done it, but it's very distracting.
The only line in the octet that doesn't work well with the meter is L8. "DonATed" has a feminine (unstressed) ending, and that really destroys iambics because it's the only one -- that doesn't mean you can't use it, but you most certainly can't rhyme it with "red". Now, because I like L8 as it is, I'm going to suggest instead that you alter L5 to have a feminine ending also, by switching "red" for something "-ted" (or -ded), such as "painted".
Rhyme and meter aside, the other line I have trouble with is L7 (and it's only a small trouble). "woods of soft-wood trees" doesn't work for me -- do you mean wood as in forest, or wood as in the trunk etc? If it's wood/forest, then I'd suggest "stands of soft-wood trees", and the other could just be "trunks of soft-wood trees". It's possible to have too much wood in one line :)
In the sestet: The first line is too long, and the word I'd alter is "ramblings" -- though it's not yet 7am and I'm only on my first coffee so I have no immediate suggestion, only that it be one strong-stress syllable. The second line is 12 syllables, one of which is the "a" at the start of the line and that's easily removed (because, in my accent at least, the stress goes naIVeTY), but the rest of the line is problematic.
L11 brings those feminine endings back into the picture, as "ROdent" ends on a soft stress -- which is no problem, we just need a two-syllable adjective instead of "pleased". "Happy" might work. If L11 and L14 ended in true rhymes, I'd be suggesting a completely different end word, but as they're already near-rhyme I'm ok with leaving the last line alone (besides, the last line is really good).
L12, with "and the", is rushed. My fix is a quick and easy one though -- punctuation can really be handy in a sonnet. I'd go with "might blind this destiny; the love it fends"
In L13, to make sure you get "aged" as two syllables, you can use... wait for it... an apostrophe! ag'ed is the preferred form, unless we can get the little accent thingy to work in the text here.
I know that looks like lots of changes, but it's really not much at all -- this has the bones of an excellent sonnet.
You overuse the apostrophe to a shameful degree though ;) Most of the places you've put it don't require elision at all and I'm really not sure why you've done it, but it's very distracting.
The only line in the octet that doesn't work well with the meter is L8. "DonATed" has a feminine (unstressed) ending, and that really destroys iambics because it's the only one -- that doesn't mean you can't use it, but you most certainly can't rhyme it with "red". Now, because I like L8 as it is, I'm going to suggest instead that you alter L5 to have a feminine ending also, by switching "red" for something "-ted" (or -ded), such as "painted".
Rhyme and meter aside, the other line I have trouble with is L7 (and it's only a small trouble). "woods of soft-wood trees" doesn't work for me -- do you mean wood as in forest, or wood as in the trunk etc? If it's wood/forest, then I'd suggest "stands of soft-wood trees", and the other could just be "trunks of soft-wood trees". It's possible to have too much wood in one line :)
In the sestet: The first line is too long, and the word I'd alter is "ramblings" -- though it's not yet 7am and I'm only on my first coffee so I have no immediate suggestion, only that it be one strong-stress syllable. The second line is 12 syllables, one of which is the "a" at the start of the line and that's easily removed (because, in my accent at least, the stress goes naIVeTY), but the rest of the line is problematic.
L11 brings those feminine endings back into the picture, as "ROdent" ends on a soft stress -- which is no problem, we just need a two-syllable adjective instead of "pleased". "Happy" might work. If L11 and L14 ended in true rhymes, I'd be suggesting a completely different end word, but as they're already near-rhyme I'm ok with leaving the last line alone (besides, the last line is really good).
L12, with "and the", is rushed. My fix is a quick and easy one though -- punctuation can really be handy in a sonnet. I'd go with "might blind this destiny; the love it fends"
In L13, to make sure you get "aged" as two syllables, you can use... wait for it... an apostrophe! ag'ed is the preferred form, unless we can get the little accent thingy to work in the text here.
I know that looks like lots of changes, but it's really not much at all -- this has the bones of an excellent sonnet.
"Might blind this destiny; the love it fends"
could you show me how is this thing going to fit in iambic pentameter?"
by woods of soft-wood trees I meant forests of soft-wood trees. The same word used twice in different meanings. If that sounds bad I will replace that with something else. Does it? I thought it bears an euphonic effect. I would replace it with stump if this does not work, if that is okay.
Naivety can be pronounced in 3 syllables too, I checked it.
Thanks a lot.
could you show me how is this thing going to fit in iambic pentameter?"
by woods of soft-wood trees I meant forests of soft-wood trees. The same word used twice in different meanings. If that sounds bad I will replace that with something else. Does it? I thought it bears an euphonic effect. I would replace it with stump if this does not work, if that is okay.
Naivety can be pronounced in 3 syllables too, I checked it.
Thanks a lot.
7th May 2011 10:55pm
might BLIND/ this DES/ tin Y/ the LOVE/ it FENDS
Do you say naivety with 3 syllables? (I don't even spell it like that, so I wouldn't know, but always write as you would say it yourself, in your own accent)
Do you say naivety with 3 syllables? (I don't even spell it like that, so I wouldn't know, but always write as you would say it yourself, in your own accent)
naɪˈiːvtɪ/ nɑːiːvˈteɪ these were the two kinds of syllables I found. Tell me about the woods, is the euphony sounding lame? Okay I would rather change it:)
7th May 2011 11:09pm
The two meanings aren't really different enough to work, in my opinion, and you get alliteration with either of my options, but any changes are entirely your domain.
8th May 2011 3:53pm
I'd agree with Boadicea on everything she says, and in addition I may add that while I can see you're trying to cut a syllable out of naivety, an apostrophe implies you're cutting out letters, which you're not there, so you should probably take it out. And while we're at it, you contract "warped," "surpassed" and "colloidal" for no reason either, since none of their syllable counts are changed either way. In addition, I see no reason for timed to be capitalized in the penultimate line. Now that I'm done with the minor perfectionist stuff... I really like this one, it's got some great imagery. I particularly like the first two lines of the sestet, and the Shah Jahan reference. I've always had a soft spot for elegantly structured poems like sonnets, and while I generally stick to free verse it's interesting to see them occasionally.
8th May 2011 4:46pm
