What's Wrong With Me?

My mom got sick
when I was only 3.
Feeling scared and confused,
I asked if she was going to die
she told me,
“I will if I don't get this surgery.”

I was left to stay with grandparents
for weeks at a time,
wondering all day and night,
if I'd ever see my parents again.

Growing up an only child,
I have always felt alone.
I was left to play on my own,
my mom wanted me to be independent.
Maybe that's why I don't bond with my parents.

I always played with cousins and close friends;
they were the only ones I had.
I loved having playmates,
I hated being lonely.

I've been called a “dumb dip”,
and “retarded” by my mom
over stupid arguments that we've had.

Every time my dad tried to play,
he would grasp my arms so hard,
the pain always hurt like hell.
I've learned to hold the tears in,
or he would ridicule.
I tried avoiding his strong grip.
The best way that I could;
was to avoid him altogether.

My dad is very judgemental,
I've been called a drama queen
now that I'm 21,
because my pains got so strong
I couldn't hold it all in.
My voice gets shakey and I feel a lump in my throat
everytime I try to talk about my feelings.

Everything I do or say,
is sarcasm in his eyes.
Maybe this is why I don't like being around my dad.

Everything they tell me,
is said slowly and explained in full detail,
no matter how simple of a thing it is.

It's as if they think
I have the brain of a rock.
I've took classes in school,
that they never even heard of.
Unlike them,
I have made the honor roll.

I've been dreaming my life away.
I've known what I've wanted to do,
since I was 3 years old.
I never let that one dream go.

I have seven dream careers,
but they always find a way
to turn me down on them.

They want me to get a career in something,
that I have no interest at all in.
I feel they are trying to control my life.
I know I'm a disappointment.

All I want from life,
is to be loved and proud of.
But what can I do?