Best friend

A soldier received a letter from his girlfriend but he couldn't show it to his best friend because she entitled it MOTHER and this is what she wrote:
M is for the MANY times we did it.
O is for the OTHER times we tried.
T is for the TERRIFIC time we had.
H is for the HOTEL we went to.
E is for the EASY way we went.
R is for the RHYTHM we had.
That spells Mother and that's what I'm going to be in eight months.

He wrote her back and this is what he wrote:
F is for the FUCKED up letter you wrote.
A is for the ASS you are.
T is for the TROUBLE your in.
H is for the HOE that you are.
E is for the EASY way you give it up.
R is for the ROMANCE we never had.
I'll be damned if I'm the father and here's what I think of the baby.

B is for the BASTARD he or she will be.
A is for the ABORTION you better have.
B is for the BABY without a father.
Y is for YES when you should have said no.

She realized she left some things out so she wrote the dickless bitch back and this is what she wrote.

B is for the BEEF you have with me.
E is for the ENERGY it took you to cum.
S is for the SEX that was dry.
T is for the TINY dick you have.
F is for the FUCKED up way you played yourself.
R is for the RASH you have on your ass.
I is for the INTERCOURSE which was boring.
E is for all the EATING you did.
N is for the NUB I had to work with.
D is for the DUMMY you are.

That spells BEST FRIEND and that's who I was fucking while you were gone.