You lost feelings and I lost my mind

I like to wear red nail polish.
Not because it's your
Favorite color or
How it reminds me of the time I first
Held your hand

But because the pigments in red tend to darken when oxygen suffocates it.
I marvel by the look of it..
Reminding me that my heart was failing as well

You see, my nails would start as a bright cherry red to be weakened by time and exposure to an ugly garnet color.

It's like you were oxygen and I was the helpless color unable to escape your timeless visits.
You were fucking everywhere.

I'm weakening but I need you to live
It would be easier to stab my eyes out..
-see no color
-breathe no oxygen
-won't hurt anymore.

I stopped eating when you stopped caring.

I was thinking about killing myself the night you cussed me out about a pair of shoes.

I sat on my floor 30 minutes before your first words with a bottle of white pills and a water bottle filled with cheap vodka, thinking about how much I would hurt the ones I love if I were to swallow my afflictions and wash them down with rubbing alcohol instead..

I saw your name on my phone, it was all so unfamiliar

I thought you were going to reach through the screen straight to my heart and wipe away my hate filled thoughts along with my tears.

I thought words of love and forgiveness would flood my insides before my lungs choked on the vodka.

You see it's all so easy to call names and think over something so often that when you lay your head down at night, the words are burned in the crevices of your head.

It was easy for me to stop eating just like it was easy for you to leave.
I just wish it were that easy at 6:43 pm
I had every opportunity to fill my stomach with shame and pills, I could've ended it all.
I wanted to feel my insides bleed out because I was tired of just breaking the surface.

I would and wanted to hurt myself because I was afraid you burned me out but I felt.
I felt cold and alone
And just needed one person to say I was enough.
That their whole world would subside and crumble if I lost one more ounce, If I swallowed narcotics like I swallowed my pride.

I really just needed you.
Tell me you cared about me even if you didn't. The mere thought of you was enough to make me smile wider than my hips back in 8th grade but also enough to carve 3 straight lines on each side of the same narrow bones.

I hate you. I hated you so goddamn much that I wanted to weigh 70 lifeless pounds and I wanted you to see my spine making creases in my shirt hugging my skin so tight like you did.  I wanted you to see how strong I am. And that I cared enough to distort my body for your pressure.

Subtract 30 lbs from my current weight and put it with the other 25 I lost when I forced you out of my body.
I could be 0 pounds but I would still feel heavy with the thought that I wasn't good enough, I would never be good enough for you.. Would I?

You lost feelings
And I lost my mind.

Fair trade?