Fiths

Today my cat cried
Real tears rolled down
His furry face and whiskers
But cats don’t cry
Obviously I was wrong
She was actually crying
A lump appeared in my throat
I was almost crying with her
The crying started to subside
To be replaced with sobbing
I wanted to ask her
What’s wrong?
But cats can’t talk

Then she spoke;
“I don’t like Fiths”
“You mean fish?” I said
“thatsh what I thaid, fiths”
“I don’t like cat food,
Dry, wet, pellets, cubes.
Tinned and gourmet poucheth,
They all tathed like fiths,
Even the oneth that are
Meant to be beef or lamb
Or turkey and chicken
Still tathed like fiths.
I hate fiths!”

“I like peattha and chocolate
I like cheeth, and peanutth
I like curry with rieth
And chicken with noodleth
I like tea and coffee
White with two thoogarth
I like Tango and Pepthy
Diet of corth
I altho like the occaithional whithsky
It’th your leftoverth
Tho, pleath, no more fiths
I really hate fiths.”

I felt guilty, started to cry
My poor kitty was so sad
And I never knew
“thtop that crying thitt
Not all catth are the thame
Not all catth look the thame
And thomb catth don’t like
Fuckin fiths”
We spoke for an hour
We spoke of many things
Not just fiths

We spoke off dogs
We spoke of cats
We spoke  of mice
We spoke of rats
We talked of politics
And ethics – and I mean
Ethics and not Essex
We compared TV and movie likes
She likes opera and hip-hop
And rockabilly and can perform
The Stray Cat Strut
She likes the cartoon network
And Samuri Pizza Cats
She hates top cat

We were all talked out
Curled up on the couch
We both sighed in unison
I agreed never to give her fish
I agreed to share all my meals
With her, unless I was having fish
That seemed to cheer her up
“no fiths? Right?”
I nodded in agreement
“One other thing.”
Do I look like gerkinth?
Do I thmell of vinegar?
Did I come out of a jar
I answered no three times.
“I hate the name Pickelth
“Pickles” I repeated
“Pickelth, that’s what I thaid”

“What about tiddles,
Or maybe Felix
What about Bagpus
Or Garfield
What about Tom
As in Tom and Jerry
“thit, that’th a boyth name
She looked thoughtful
Then using the remote
Changed the channel
“Thath it” she said
Thilvethter, Thilvethter the cat
That a boyth name I protested
Are you taking the pith?
No, sorry; Thilvethter
She stood up
Flicked her tail at me
And bit a chunk out of
My takeaway Peettha