Your Two Natures

“I am two women: one wants to have all the joy, passion and adventure that life can give me. The other wants to be a slave to routine, to family life, to the things that can be planned and achieved. I'm a housewife and a prostitute, both of us living in the same body and doing battle with each other.”
― Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes

     Aimlessly scrolling through quotes online I stumbled upon this one. Such a poignant quote, symbolizing an internal struggle amongst women and men.  I am one of the women this quote relates to, I have incessantly wrestled against my two sides. Nikki versus Nicole, these two personalities crafted to form ME. With both persistently battling each other throughout the years, I always believed them to be separate.  I have never considered them virtuous versus malevolent nor do I envision the angel versus devil scenario displayed in Tom & Jerry cartoons. I unbiasedly believe as human beings we all convey two sides. For me, Nikki has been known as a sister, a fun care free soul in life, selfish in ways but a firm believer in genuine happiness. She is an artist, a writer with an endless urge to explore everything new.  Nicole, a mother, a wife, an aunt, a structured career woman as a nurse, type A personality, caring for people with precaution, and worry. A giver to everyone, with no expectations of return.  Both women though are tenacious and strong willed with a determination to gain what they desire at no cost.  Both are sensual and sexually charged as well as enjoying the maintenance of beauty and a love of a beautiful fitting heel. They share the same musically driven joy of dancing. They both can be a bitch and vengefully spiteful when betrayed. That I blame on the Puerto Rican blood.
As the years have turned my age into my 40’s an awakening began prompted from an undeniably painful loss of a person who I loved as much as my children.  This led me to embrace both sides, personalities, or just refer to them as your two natures. My sense of freedom was awoken. Since his death, his tragedy, I no longer battle these sides and the anguish of his loss gifted me the ability to choose and apply only the positive of my two sides and incorporate them into daily life. Misery and negativity drain the soul; they are not worth bringing to light.  The negative, depressive part of them I will not allow to emerge. Life is too short to allow darkness overcome my light. Merging these two natures, I see ME in the mirror. My true self. Of course as complicated as ever, but I have no shame and no regrets. My life has taken me on a journey of love, heartache, loss and grief, and incredible accomplishments from living these roles honestly. The bumps in the roads are always present, which is how life always will be. The woman that remains standing is someone I am proud to of emerged into and I accept her as is.
I took my nursing shoes and merged a pair of stilettos and I have this fantastic pair to wear as ME.

The struggle of the two natures is one many people recognize yet seldom speak of. Men and women experience struggles with identifying their roles in society. The social norm, code of ethics society lies upon one to appropriately fit in, to blend with the norms. I have discovered there is no NORM, we all are distinctive and we all should embrace our uniqueness and acknowledge it and others as well. Become what we desire, reassess the roles we were directed to play. Both woman and man do what they have learnt during their upbringing as far as their reactions to various situations in their lives. We all have been pre-programed, but we are the engineers now of ourselves and some re wiring will lead to an electrifying experience. I remain a firm believer in a simple theory, as long as your behaviors and actions place no others in harm, as long as they do not place yourself in harm, seek your aspirations and make them your reality. Stop planning a vacation, make your life your vacation.
Just thinking out loud today,, this has been bouncing around in my noodle for the past few days and something’s I need to rant about to get the words out of there. So here it is written down.  Whether you have two sides, personalities or 3 or 4, they all make you a sole entity. Meld them and enjoy the good in them.