My own stability is fleeting

Take the muscle I'm just bones
no way to move, not even frown
I'm a pot of fucking ice-cream
and you spooned right from the centre
cause there's the definite feeling
of something having been gauged out

then I remind myself I'm 6 months on from all that bullshit
so why is nothing any easier
I struggle not to hate you
because if this isn't hate then why do I continue to care at all?

I'd hate to see you at work, but I'd love it all the same
I miss you in so many ways
but I hate myself for saying so
as my persistence will not pay
for these rotten thoughts and broken
beating
fucking defeating
silent emptiness-es

I loved you boy
and it will continue to destroy me
from the very center of my soul
that I was not enough

Because each time
I put my mind to one side,
and hear the metallic ring of my own finger nails taking the blade from my bedside cabinet
I'll tell myself it's a product of my own emptiness
dissatisfaction
and clinical-depression.
But god knows
there's you
and there's him
and you both hide
in the folds of my broken mind
behind the sockets of my eyes.

(I suppose that's what stops me-
if I did it and my eyes rolled back in my head
I know in every instance
that you and him are all that are there
and how the fuck can someone die
with an eternity of that ahead of them.)