Thoughts 26

Every day I wake up
I put on my mask
I open my bedroom door
And step out
This mask has a neutral gaze
This mask conceals everything
This mask cracks a bit more each day

I don't know how much longer I can do this

This is a cry for help
This is me screaming silently

I've been having thoughts of suicide again
I haven't told anyone because I hate making my family upset
If I knew that no one would care, I wouldn't be here anymore

I don't know what love is
What it feels like
But I assume suffering through each day just for everyone else must be love
I hate myself
I know what hatred is
I know what it feels like
Lately it's consumed
Lately I've had trouble suppressing it

My sleep hasn't gotten any better
My dreams are getting worse
The prozac is doing fuck all
But I still do it
I still wake up
I still force myself to be okay
I still go to bed hoping for sleep
I still wake up and do it all again
Fuck me

If I could cry maybe I would
If I was alone maybe I'd feel better
There's nothing worse than having to feign happiness just for the benefit of those around you
But they don't leave me alone
They want to know what's wrong
They want to know if they can help
They want to give me their two cents
They never know what to say
Their advice is shit

I once had someone tell me
"Let other's happiness be your happiness."
Fuck you
You don't know what you're talking about
It doesn't work that way, sweetheart
And you're a fool if you believe it

I'm done for today


I start my new job tomorrow