deepundergroundpoetry.com
Love Burning in Her Veins
The coffee touched your lips
I glared at your perfection through my eyes
the mear thought of losing you someday ran through
my restless mind
You sat back with an uneasy look
I gently said " We should get going" you sighed
and replied
" I want to talk "
The look of fear quickly took over my face
you looked back at me and said the most heart breaking words
a person could hear
" I think we should just be friends"
My mind went blank
as I stare off into oblivion I reply
" why "
you stare silently back and say
" I'm sorry"
Mu body goes numb
my mind empty, as I try to process and believe the words
I just heard
I then see nothing but darkness, as tears race down my face
I ask " Take me home?"
the drive seemed to take forever
it seemed endless
I arrive home without looking back
I slowly walk through the door
I start to scream as I drop to the ground
Slowly dying inside
as my heart
Goes up in flames...
I glared at your perfection through my eyes
the mear thought of losing you someday ran through
my restless mind
You sat back with an uneasy look
I gently said " We should get going" you sighed
and replied
" I want to talk "
The look of fear quickly took over my face
you looked back at me and said the most heart breaking words
a person could hear
" I think we should just be friends"
My mind went blank
as I stare off into oblivion I reply
" why "
you stare silently back and say
" I'm sorry"
Mu body goes numb
my mind empty, as I try to process and believe the words
I just heard
I then see nothing but darkness, as tears race down my face
I ask " Take me home?"
the drive seemed to take forever
it seemed endless
I arrive home without looking back
I slowly walk through the door
I start to scream as I drop to the ground
Slowly dying inside
as my heart
Goes up in flames...
Published 24th Feb 2011
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25th Feb 2011 1:53am
....you have had no comments on this, and that is because you are overworking the words a fair bit. Poetry is a skill in conveying ideas with a light touch, but sometimes you tell us things twice, and both times in a way that aren't terribly interesting...
I would have done it like this...
The coffee touched your lips
I drank in your perfection
the thought of losing you
made my mind
restless
" We should get going" I said
" I want to talk " you said, then
" I think we should just be friends"
My mind stopped on one word
" why? "
" I'm sorry" was your idea of explanation
body goes numb
mind empty
not able to process
to believe the words
I just heard
then tears
" Take me home?"
the drive seemed endless
arriving home
through the door
I start to scream
drop to the ground
my heart
goes up in flames...
This is not a better poem, but it is better poetry.
Also, be careful with tenses, as you jump from then to now, and watch the spelling, as it puts the reader into "the writer doesn't care about me" thinking...
I would have done it like this...
The coffee touched your lips
I drank in your perfection
the thought of losing you
made my mind
restless
" We should get going" I said
" I want to talk " you said, then
" I think we should just be friends"
My mind stopped on one word
" why? "
" I'm sorry" was your idea of explanation
body goes numb
mind empty
not able to process
to believe the words
I just heard
then tears
" Take me home?"
the drive seemed endless
arriving home
through the door
I start to scream
drop to the ground
my heart
goes up in flames...
This is not a better poem, but it is better poetry.
Also, be careful with tenses, as you jump from then to now, and watch the spelling, as it puts the reader into "the writer doesn't care about me" thinking...
25th Feb 2011 2:06am
Thank you for the advice. I understand that I wrote that about 6 Years ago I'm publishing a lot of my old work. I will publish my latest I have gotten better. Thank you :-)
