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no more
my heart ripped from my chest
smashed infront of my eyes
you stand there laughing
while I lay here nad cry
your a monster how could I love
something that could not
and would not love
my eyes strains to see
your hand before it comes
down ,hard, upon my face
like a wrecking ball
how can you stand over me
and say you love me
something clicked
I will not let you win!!!
I will not die!!!
you patheic weakling
laying there on the floor
in tears as I aim
a silver gun to your head
"no more"
the last words before the shot
to set me free
I am free'd
smashed infront of my eyes
you stand there laughing
while I lay here nad cry
your a monster how could I love
something that could not
and would not love
my eyes strains to see
your hand before it comes
down ,hard, upon my face
like a wrecking ball
how can you stand over me
and say you love me
something clicked
I will not let you win!!!
I will not die!!!
you patheic weakling
laying there on the floor
in tears as I aim
a silver gun to your head
"no more"
the last words before the shot
to set me free
I am free'd
Published 20th Feb 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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21st Feb 2011 00:01am
21st Feb 2011 00:04am
21st Feb 2011 00:27am
21st Feb 2011 00:31am
21st Feb 2011 00:32am
21st Feb 2011 00:33am
Anonymous
21st Feb 2011 6:34am
with the spellcheck.
It looks cluttered and is hard for the reader to read.
The transition is a little clumsy, as well.
So you were laying on the floor, crying ("while i lay here and cry"), but suddenly they are laying on the floor crying ("you patheic weakling
laying there on the floor in tears as I aim")
But you didn't tell us how they got there, if you stood up or not, and what happened to make them cry, because in your poem, they were just laughing over you a minute ago.
Plus, punctuation is a good thing to use, otherwise it just reads as a massive run on sentence and I had difficulty with the fist half, trying to decide where one sentence stops and the other begins.
Don't let your age stop you. I know you're only 13 (You mention it every comment), but that means nothing. It's good to start writing young. I'm 14.. (and it doesn't matter) but I've improved so much from when I started writing at 12 (it's definitely reflected from my older poems to my newer poems)..
Keep this in mind on your next poem. I'm looking forward to it. :]
It looks cluttered and is hard for the reader to read.
The transition is a little clumsy, as well.
So you were laying on the floor, crying ("while i lay here and cry"), but suddenly they are laying on the floor crying ("you patheic weakling
laying there on the floor in tears as I aim")
But you didn't tell us how they got there, if you stood up or not, and what happened to make them cry, because in your poem, they were just laughing over you a minute ago.
Plus, punctuation is a good thing to use, otherwise it just reads as a massive run on sentence and I had difficulty with the fist half, trying to decide where one sentence stops and the other begins.
Don't let your age stop you. I know you're only 13 (You mention it every comment), but that means nothing. It's good to start writing young. I'm 14.. (and it doesn't matter) but I've improved so much from when I started writing at 12 (it's definitely reflected from my older poems to my newer poems)..
Keep this in mind on your next poem. I'm looking forward to it. :]
21st Feb 2011 8:03pm
21st Feb 2011 8:54pm
