deepundergroundpoetry.com
The perfect Valentine.
He smiled at me from across the room.
That great smile.
He said Bailee I'm sorry.
I don't know why he is.
Soon he said.
He didn't have anything for me.
He only had a small sweet kiss.
Which was perfect.
I turned to him a said.
No flowers or chocolates could make me happier.
I love you.
You are my favorite valentine.
That great smile.
He said Bailee I'm sorry.
I don't know why he is.
Soon he said.
He didn't have anything for me.
He only had a small sweet kiss.
Which was perfect.
I turned to him a said.
No flowers or chocolates could make me happier.
I love you.
You are my favorite valentine.
Published 14th Feb 2011
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Anonymous
14th Feb 2011 10:57pm
*and said. Not "a said"
It's cute, though. I'm glad you're happy, dear.
It's cute, though. I'm glad you're happy, dear.
15th Feb 2011 1:17am
15th Feb 2011 1:32am
15th Feb 2011 9:34pm
15th Feb 2011 11:07pm
This could use some better punctuation than just a blanket of periods. It really makes the whole thing sound disjointed. For example:
He smiled at me from across the room,
That great smile.
He said "Bailee, I'm sorry,"
But I don't know why.
Soon he said...
He didn't have anything for me.
He only had a small sweet kiss,
Which was perfect.
I turned to him and said...
"No flowers or chocolates could make me happier.
I love you.
You are my favorite valentine."
In addition, the last four lines seem redundant; the line "which was perfect" perhaps may make a better ending. I may change it to "and it was perfect" or "but that was perfect" and leave it at that. Overall this was a good first draft though, with some work it'll be nice and tight.
He smiled at me from across the room,
That great smile.
He said "Bailee, I'm sorry,"
But I don't know why.
Soon he said...
He didn't have anything for me.
He only had a small sweet kiss,
Which was perfect.
I turned to him and said...
"No flowers or chocolates could make me happier.
I love you.
You are my favorite valentine."
In addition, the last four lines seem redundant; the line "which was perfect" perhaps may make a better ending. I may change it to "and it was perfect" or "but that was perfect" and leave it at that. Overall this was a good first draft though, with some work it'll be nice and tight.
6th Jun 2011 11:39pm
