Sobriety

Tonight he’s just drinking a glass of water
But that does not erase what I remember from yesterday
As my eyes kept twitching to that always full glass after he’d broken three others before his second bottle was even empty
Ranting words that have no meaning because after awhile all I heard are the sighs she lets out in my left ear
Her only attempt at disapproval
Because there isn’t a cork big enough in this world to fill his gaping mouth
If I tied them all together his wine bottles could sink the Titanic
But this time the passengers woulnd’t even know to panic or jump ship
Another drink is another foot below the sea
Where he drowns out his common sense with liquid courage
And they think I have no right saying these things
Like I’m crying wolf as I shout victim
Maybe they don’t remember
But I do
I remember the slamming doors and words that emptied rooms
Because usually he knew no silence
Never quite good enough
I had ruined every expectation he had written on a checklist with my blood from the day I was born
I only knew him by a visitor’s nametag slapped onto his chest
Replacing the spot where I thought his heart should be
And I have a room filled with IOUs and presents he slid under my door after shaking me by the shoulders and hurling insults at my face
Hugs separated by distance and no matter how tight he tries and holds me I will never know how it feels to grow up knowing my father
Instead I have a man who barely knows his daughter
But he did everything that should be right
Attending events and rehearsing the right lines
If only I knew he meant what he said when he was sober
Believe me I hear every word when he’s drunk off his ass barely holding it back
The contempt in the air when I walk into the room
With him staring at TV screen at the life he could have led if not for the three leeches claiming residence on his floors
Please know Christmas will always be haunted
Family dinners will never be the same
I fell out of love with Sunday nights and family reunions
I will never marry a man who watches golf or goes hunting
I will never marry a man who loves politics or Las Vegas
Who’s in love with the mirror but just can’t face it
Please know when you grow old and forget my name
I’ll still remember what you tried to erase
But tonight
Tonight
He’s just sitting down with a glass… of water
Claiming freedom from Jack and Morgan
It’s been one month
He’s just drinking a glass of water
It’s been one month
He’s just drinking a glass of water
I still hate coming home
He’s just drinking a glass of water
Now my family just turns and points their fingers at me
Claiming
How could I be such a cynical daughter