deepundergroundpoetry.com
My Turmoil
Disappointment... I know you so well, don't I. There hasn't been a day that has gone by where you have not failed to show. You were there every step of my 14yr relationship. God! How I tried so hard to make it work. I pushed on when it seemed hopeless and all was lost. I fought for everything that we had and cried when I had to make the choice to let it all go. I only ever wanted two things... to be loved unconditionally and respected as an equal. Maybe it's my fault, maybe I put my hopes too high. Maybe I asked for too much even though I barely asked for anything, nor did I ever expect much in return. I offer so much but I guess it's never enough, at least I thought I did. That is when he came along and how wonderful it was. I felt human and alive, more than I had in a long time. I felt as if a light had turned on and all my walls broken. I had found myself again. I never would have of assumed that it was just a new face of you. A whole new level of disappointment, lo and behold devastation in its finest. You hold me there in your clutches so fine and relentlessly punishing. I can't run anymore, which was never my first response but I have no fight left in me. I'm drowning myself in “what ifs”, day dreams, and doubts. I'm scared he is an illusion I'm holding on to with delicate fingers and loving so brokenhearted. He is more dear to me than the breathe from my lungs. I thought and still do believe he is perfect even with all his flaws and madness. I have my own flaws and madness I dance with, but somehow he found my balance. How could no one else figure out how to do that? Here I am though back with you, devastating disappointment. I should have adapted to this by now or you would have thought so. My life has been filled with nothing more than broken promises one after another until they've all became empty words. I know everyone goes through this at some point or another, but I stay there. Waiting ever so patiently for the one, my balance, my star in all this darkness. Maybe I should be able to pull myself out of these waters I constantly wade in but they have become far too deep to do it alone.
Published 10th Oct 2013
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