An Open Letter to Someone in Particular

Raise a glass to all the gents
Forsaken by their favored lasses
Crucified upon the masthead
O'er that sea of discontent
Pity his wasted efforts
Forgive his grand delusions
And his childish confusions
'Twas his mother told him to rely upon
Honor, Honesty and respect
'Twas a lesson of damning, damaging neglect, it was
For a fool's been made with no honor gained
For a knight can't ply his trade
When his cherished code of chivalry
Elicits cachinnation from the masses
I s'pose i've taken it for granted
Perhaps it's just my nature
The common failing of romantics
To see himself a seer
To see a hero in the mirror
To see Madonna in the eyes of whores
To never know
To act as if i never know
What's behind that god damned door
Though i've opened that fucking door a hundred times before
Yo, fuck that door!
No
That was just frustration speaking
Perhaps you've picked up that i've been drinking?
A lil blanket for the brain to keep from sounding too insane
Or, have i crossed that line already?
Oh, drivel, now i've strayed...
Where was i?
I'll just pickup from the middle!
Most women don't interest me
They don't interest me in the least
Not much more than a warm moist crease
Separating them from men
Who are much worse as a whole
Their bodies don't interest me at all
Call me a puritan
Unless they're very, very good at throwing and catching a ball
Then i'm happy to watch them perform on TV
But, back to the matter at hand
I know, i'm all over the place
Keep in mind, i've an IQ of 148
I'm a god damned genius
Bare with me
It may be worth it by the end
Or not
Whatever
Here's the rub
Every now and then
A feminine face, a voice
Catches my senses
And, oh, the joy of that torrent of pretenses
I haven't a choice
I'd ignore it if i could
You all seem good at that
You've given me sage advice
When i transform strangers to Juliet
But your words are so ugly
Honestly, your hearts seem cold
Maybe it's a lack of modesty, but
I'd never want to share your mold
So, i sigh
I'll sigh to myself
There's nothing wrong with that
I might even cry
Some
Don't laugh
There's nothing wrong with that
I'll still kick your ass
The Princess Bride can make me cry
There's really nothing wrong with that
And i'll wonder why anyone would ever pass me by
I think maybe i should wear a sign above my head:
"Hear, ye!
Here walks a man
Of impeccable disposition
Amazingly kind, funny and brilliant
In possession of extraordinary sexual prowess
And an iron constitution
If he chooses to knock upon your door
You'd be wise to let him in!"
Too much?
Perhaps the root of my issues?
A hubris lined misuse of all the talents i've been given?
Probably
But, what to do?
A leopard can't change his spots
And i can't rearrange my lot in life
Of self imposed turmoil and strife
I've just got to go forward with what i've got
Though i wish i had more of her
I know
I'm like a kid
I'm like a pre-pubescent chump
(Gin-burp)
Whatever
That's not true
Really
Guys
I could probably kick your ass
Most likely
Girls
Were i to love you
It would most likely be something you've never experienced before
Or ever would again
There will be a special room in heaven
For the select few i wished amore
Who turned a cold shoulder
And they will pass a bottle of jesus juice
And commiserate their loss

-DyMc