Simmy Lee

life is sad
we endure
my balcony is missing a floor but i manage

They're the best balconies to stand off.

Thank you, Amanc.

Hit bottom learn to dig. I like hte concept of that, that you just didn't leave it there. I see those fitful line breaks again. In this case I see them break the flow like a dragging backwards rather than the pushing forward like the last time I mentioned them. It is a very heavy poem. I have a bit of confusion in the last stanza, however. I can't reconcile a visual. Her skin is warming another and we are crying. Is it a crying together, then she is gone? Is it a crying from separate locations? OK I will also be the obvious dope who asks about the two dicks too.

I am giving nothing away here, braggs. With the line-breaks, it's not the line that breaks that's important, but how the one after it is worded. For me line-breaks can come in three general forms: the first, most common, is at the end of each clause/phrase, the second, is to have the breaking line to carry the emphasis regardless of how the following line comes out, and the third is the opposite of the second. Two dicks: just a horny bastard. Bad, lazy phrasing.

Was a pleasure to have you stop by.

Lord'a'mercy.....

a realive cut to the eX'i'stential bone!

great last lines tie down

God, I hope not right through!

Asever, thank you so kindly, Dan.

'We cry like a forest'.

I find this image interesting because I don't see forests as sad at all. Forests are one of the most alive places on earth in my opinion.

Saying that though, and this probably wasn't your intention, this ties in later with the imagery you give of two arms, eyes, dicks, hearts. This is a very divine image. I get the sense of some sort of Hindu god/goddess which makes the forestry relevant. Creationism, rebirth, circle of life and all that crap. So in that sense, it works.

I can't get past 'as terrifying as alive'. Doesn't read right to me. *shrugs*

Thank you for the read.

The thing with a simile is that they've all been done. The clichés are sickening and far too simple. When you see a simile, and you think of whatever's being compared in black and white, you probably shouldn't read stuff like this; you're meant to think why? Not 'nope', I suppose.

Yeah I used an adjective where normally there would've been a noun. That's why, for you, it didn't read right. Appreciate your honest feedback, Missy. I'll please you next time. :)

Dear Bruce Lee: Don't worry; Simmy must have a whole bouquet of hearts just like you. Because how can you know you've got an arm, if you don't have another to compare it to? :) Ok, serious stuff now: I think the way a rhythm is built up at 'Lights off. Sound off', and is carried on through to the next verse in those similarly short sentences, works really well, in the way that it leads you to expect one thing (monotony, unfeeling), but then slowly starts giving you something different - 'we cry like a forest', '...even god cries as her skin warms another's' deliver these quiet, moving little phrases which catch you off guard. I liked that, because I think writing should be about turning patterns on their heads. I can't remember what poet it was that said this, but something like: poetry is all about putting one thing next to another. That seems to me to be all about isolating things, which I think is what your poem does well. (Could the 'and' be clipped off of the start of L2?)
Also - almost forgot to say - I think those last two lines are great shaking towers of an ending.

Wow, a title-mentioner. So what did you really get from the title? Anything? :)

Thought the god thing was maybe a little too dramatic, but no-one's complained. Yet.
The thing with ands and buts and stuff, is that sometimes they're necessary for the narrative, but mostly they can go. I'll have a look. Thank you, Shit. :)

:) Nobody told me there'd be a quiz.
What I got from the title: a play on the word 'simile' which ends up giving it a taste of its own medicine.

The "two dicks" line makes this poem sound like it's about a gay couple. Also, "her" doesn't appear until the last line. One pronoun isn't enough to convey romantic longing, IMO. Otherwise, it's a stellar poem. "I'm as empty as the universe" is a beautiful line, so strong that I'd recommend ending on it and removing this "her" person completely. The first verse is fabulously T. S. Eliot-esque: imagistic, sombre, philosophical. Critique, as you know, is JMHO. Cheers for the read.

To remove the pronoun, I'd have to take out the plural pronoun, too. Which, in the name of poetry, would probably be the best thing to do. Gonna leave it as it is for now.

I was thinking of swapping lines and stanzas before, but thought I'd just let it sit. Cheers for the good feedback, Jack.

have you never heard of the expression happy as a dog with 2 dicks?

i forgot to say i liked the poem

No, but I'm more than aware of as horny as a dog with two dicks. Wink.

Thank you. I might.