The Error of My Ways

I see what I have done now
I gave myself too eagerly
too willingly
I did not hold back my love
for even an instant
I poured myself into
all that you are
as if you were a vessel
for me to fill
with every part of my being
so you would never feel
empty
or alone.
 
I held on way too tightly
so afraid of releasing
you to all the outside forces
that could do us harm
I wrapped you so tightly in
the blanket of my love
that made you only yearn
for me
 
I would do whatever
you desired to make you happy
I would dress for you
and clean for you
and create a beautiful
palace for you to call home
I would have babies with you
just to please you
so you could have someone
call you "dad"
and feel the power of a child's
love, that is like no other
 
I would work harder than ever
so you would worry less
and smile more, and find
places in our vessel of love
to overcome anxiety and relax
and play in the arms of the child
that loved you so unconditionally
who squirmed with excitement
at your very presence.
 
I could see a shift happening
so small at first it was almost
not detectable
there were more times when
you were overcome with sadness
and anger, and confusion
and this just made me try
even harder to keep things calm
and "normal"  
 
but what is that?
 
I would dance for you
and laugh for you
and sing for you, filling our home
with all the beauty I could muster
and still you were sinking
into a new liquid of despair
 
And ever so slowly
you let it overtake everything
that you were, and everything that I
had poured into you
for some reason we did not mix
and as time went on
you chose the other liquid to fill
you up, even over me,
over everything
 
and soon all that remained
of all I had tried to create
for us together was nothing
but the spittle that would catch in the corners
of your mouth
that left you looking at me
as if I had poisoned you
that everything I had given you
was unjust and unfair and you did not
deserve any of it
you were literally drowning yourself
in your new love
leaving no space for me
not even for yourself
 
and the pain and hurt you caused
and tried to hide through lies
and anger, and sleeping far away
finding solitude in your new liquid
of love
cheating on me every moment with it
because it became more
important than anything else
it became stronger than any love force
i could offer
there was more danger and intrigue
to be had there, and it would kill
whatever pain you were suffering
for a little while
anyway
 
and it just got easier
and easier for you to go to her
and sip her whenever you wanted to
she was your best kept secret
for such a long time
but even she got the better
of you, she filled you to the brim
of your very existence
you wreaked of her
it was harder to hide her away
from anyone
and slowly she began to cause
you harm, to bring out the demons
that you tried so desperately to hide
but they had changed their form
they loomed larger and uglier
than before and no matter
how hard you tried
you could not bury them
under the liquid of her love
 
because she did not love you
not the way that I did and would
have for all eternity
and her message became crystal
clear, she owned you in ways that
were unfathomable, she made you
crave her very existence
you could not walk past any receptacle
that held her hostage
you had to have her with you
always, even if it meant losing
everything
she became your lover, your friend,
your pillow to lie on, she was your nectar of love,
and I could no longer compete with her
nor did I want to
 
You chose her over everything
we had together, you were more secure
in her presence than in mine or
in the eyes of your child who now
looked at you with mistrust and disdain
and anger
and bewilderment
not knowing exactly why her dad
had left her so far behind
 
And you could not bear it
any of it
you hated me for it
and any one else you thought  
you could blame
and that sweet elixir became poison
in your blood and in your mind
and in one fell swoop
you decided to end it all
and you almost
did just that
 
The curtain blew open
and everything about us was
suddenly exposed to every one
it was a pouring out of the most vile
kind, as if the earth burst forth
with the wretchedness of it  
spitting us out for all to see
holding us out there ashamed
of what we had become
 
And you blamed me
even for that,  
 
 
for saving you