deepundergroundpoetry.com
Until it all runs out.
We trickled into a broken light symphony,
drunk on our own timelines and youth,
providing the facts that we thought we knew
and relying on healthpack chemicals
that weren't first placed into our bodies.
Feeling the blasting of our capillaries
form into intricately themed rochaches.
So soullessly involved and cemented
into a momentary significance, feeling the emotions
of abandoned tree houses that kids were born
to grow out of and forget
and keeping the coolness of integrity
pulsating through our veins.
Hanging from the bars of society,
we felt the air of internal achievement
creep under our skin and amply the strings until
we harrowed the crash, realising the eventuality
that this all ends so we continue to burn
our septums in accordance, feeling instantly rewarded,
reworded, rewired and reformed.
drunk on our own timelines and youth,
providing the facts that we thought we knew
and relying on healthpack chemicals
that weren't first placed into our bodies.
Feeling the blasting of our capillaries
form into intricately themed rochaches.
So soullessly involved and cemented
into a momentary significance, feeling the emotions
of abandoned tree houses that kids were born
to grow out of and forget
and keeping the coolness of integrity
pulsating through our veins.
Hanging from the bars of society,
we felt the air of internal achievement
creep under our skin and amply the strings until
we harrowed the crash, realising the eventuality
that this all ends so we continue to burn
our septums in accordance, feeling instantly rewarded,
reworded, rewired and reformed.
Published 23rd May 2013
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The author encourages honest critique.
23rd May 2013 3:50pm
I like the way you used the body in this poem -- the way images of the body are telling the story here, telling the reader what is important to the speaker. Your line breaks are natural and create a sense of forward movement in the poem. I would say that the way you occasionally use an abstract concept as an image isn't quite fitting, though. "Hanging from the bars of society," for example. I get it, but I feel that a concrete image might work better, or even a more dynamic image with the abstract concept.
You have a strong sense of vocabulary, which is always wonderful to see, and I enjoyed the poetic nuance of the poem. The sound play at the end, for example, was quite pleasing to my ears. Well done.
You have a strong sense of vocabulary, which is always wonderful to see, and I enjoyed the poetic nuance of the poem. The sound play at the end, for example, was quite pleasing to my ears. Well done.
Anonymous
23rd May 2013 9:50pm
very precise, and may I mention the style is articulate.
24th May 2013 10:19pm
Hanging from the bars of society,
we felt the air of internal achievement
creep under our skin and amply the strings until
we harrowed the crash, realising the eventuality
that this all ends
Very well written, artfully said.
Each line has an effect,
I admire that.
we felt the air of internal achievement
creep under our skin and amply the strings until
we harrowed the crash, realising the eventuality
that this all ends
Very well written, artfully said.
Each line has an effect,
I admire that.
13th Jul 2013 3:19pm
