deepundergroundpoetry.com
A Void Where my Dreams Escape to
Ever have those days,
Where everything is siphoned away?
Ideas, thoughts, ambitions,
Even passions wither and fade.
Blow a wish on a Dandelion,
Only to have the seeds return;
Shattering all hope of being pulled out,
Of the hole you're left in to burn.
My thoughts are pushed away,
Drained into a void.
There isn't a thing I can do,
To fight off this annoyance.
My Green Lantern ring is dead,
All will power lost from my head.
I need to find a way,
To defeat the emptiness.
No, I'm not insane,
At least not anymore than anyone else.
No, I'm only having an uninspiring day,
Which for me, is the Ninth Circle of Hell.
Where everything is siphoned away?
Ideas, thoughts, ambitions,
Even passions wither and fade.
Blow a wish on a Dandelion,
Only to have the seeds return;
Shattering all hope of being pulled out,
Of the hole you're left in to burn.
My thoughts are pushed away,
Drained into a void.
There isn't a thing I can do,
To fight off this annoyance.
My Green Lantern ring is dead,
All will power lost from my head.
I need to find a way,
To defeat the emptiness.
No, I'm not insane,
At least not anymore than anyone else.
No, I'm only having an uninspiring day,
Which for me, is the Ninth Circle of Hell.
Published 21st Apr 2013
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likes 3
reading list entries 1
comments 5
reads 1088
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
22nd Apr 2013 00:01am
I'd lose the punctuation, but that is just a personal preference. When I first started writing I was also heavy handed on the punctuation until someone gave me the helpful critique I am passing onto you now. Keep it clean and crisp. :)
The poem sounds a bit strained to me. I get what you are attempting to say, but there are several distracting elements in there that pull me out of the flow. I'd rethink the piece. All this is just my opinion of course, so feel free to disregard any critique you deem unfit.
Caliban.
The poem sounds a bit strained to me. I get what you are attempting to say, but there are several distracting elements in there that pull me out of the flow. I'd rethink the piece. All this is just my opinion of course, so feel free to disregard any critique you deem unfit.
Caliban.
22nd Apr 2013 8:35pm
22nd Apr 2013 9:15pm
7th May 2013 1:32am
Aaaaaah.... a day without inspiration is HELL! "A day without sunshine, is called night. A day without fun rhymes and nothing falls right!" Is what I wrote recently. This is relatable, Comrade! Good piece under pressure.
My Green Lantern ring is dead,
All will power lost from my head.
I need to find a way,
To defeat the emptiness.
Normally when I critique I NEVER address punctuation and rules of English. Not because I am against people improving, in fact, I "liked" Versonnen's bit because she's got a fine point.
When spitting tight and hot?
It fits right on the spot
Just sit and decide what to spew
What's true and what's not?
I'll deliberately omit punctuation in a lot of bullet lines in my work because it keeps the pacing together. This one feels like a staccato burst, which is awesome on fast-fire mode.
My Green Lantern ring is dead,
All will power lost from my head.
I need to find a way,
To defeat the emptiness.
Normally when I critique I NEVER address punctuation and rules of English. Not because I am against people improving, in fact, I "liked" Versonnen's bit because she's got a fine point.
When spitting tight and hot?
It fits right on the spot
Just sit and decide what to spew
What's true and what's not?
I'll deliberately omit punctuation in a lot of bullet lines in my work because it keeps the pacing together. This one feels like a staccato burst, which is awesome on fast-fire mode.
7th May 2013 3:26am
