“Honey, my behind is all in a knot from all this driving. But at least I have this hand-me-down pillow from my Mom to cushion my soft tush. Do you know why I always used gold thread for the patches?” I reply, “Maybe because it looks shiny like the sunbeams in your eye?” She says, “My Mama taught me that love made us royal. So she sewed it in gold and when she bequeathed it to me I carried on the tradition. This Natchez Trace sure is purty. But even so, my butt needs a rest stop.” I say, “The church organ has been silent for a...
Let's see I have been doing this for thirteen years now, and this is still the only case that still keeps me up at night.
I’m a private investigator. I’m usually sitting behind my steering wheel, taking photos of a cheating spouse, or interviewing a witness to a robbery. It's not too often that a missing person comes across my desk. But when they do, it’s usually because they’ve been gone for a very long time.
This wasn’t the case with the Beckett family. Seven year old Hannah Beckett had gone missing three days ago, apparently snatched right from her bedroom one night....
I but a lonely marionette who has lost its strings. Subtle as the inkwell in the shadow of my mysterious, inhaling the charm of my debonair. Dripping tallow of my poetic mother's milk upon the parchment of death's memento. Cast away into depravity hidden in a hatbox, holding me hostage from my innuendos. Listening to the stipend of darkness call the dervishes of twilight the way the echoes go. Where the Huns wish to whittle my wood as a totem of dark.
Th' night was alit wif fireflies an' skeeters. It was "Home Comin'" fo' th' town's tobaccy spittin' team, dawgone it. Th' coon houn's were howlin' at yaller moon an' ah was warin' co'ndoms on mah feet t'keep them dry."
"Ah purchased th' co'ndoms at a Goodwill Sto'e an' ma patched up th' holes in them af'er she hung them on th' clo'esline t'drip."
Jest one week ago th' veterinarian had installed one of them ereptile implants in mah scrootom along wif an innertube air valve t'pump me up. He threw in a bicycle tire air pump t'save me a dollar.
It was just one of those stupid things that occasionally show up as a blip on the Doppler. It seems as if a herd of zombies was migrating toward our community. "A herd is usually a hoofed bein' an' ah had no idea eff'n a zombie wore shoes." Zombies were seasonable and a nuisance like an allergy.
Off in the distance, one could hear them coming. The ground trembling like t thunder as the Energizer Bunny banged the damn drum.
It is not mah fust rodeo wif zombies. They are obnoxious, pickin' at their nose in public. "It's a dadburn shame thet th' A&W sarves them,...
I was leaning against the fence post and smoking rolled cabbage. Singing. "Don't set unner th' apple tree wif ennyone else but me ennyone else but me, ennyone else but me..." Lugosi was cleaning his toenails and applying lipstick. He was incognito.
"This hyar ain't Cognito. Its Tidbit. Arkansas. Yer as sharp as a bowlin' ball an' fo' fineness sakes remove them silly ass dentures. Ack refined an' suave like ah trained yo'.
"Vampire Chicken: (n) Marked by th' need t'ingist po'n an' avoid sunlight. 2. Prey on others fo' choomp change an' gain. 3. Trimenjus pain in th'...
Just returned from delivering a load of horse apples on the back of the golf cart. "A Cool Whip cream'mashun was this hyar year's rage. Delivahed all bundled up in a Doredash van?"
It was here at the chicken ranch/cemetery that I met my new patrol partner. Lugosi. A genuine vampire chicken. Mid-morning, Lugosi was wearing aviator sunglasses and pecking. Trying to raise the dead. His last job was as a salesman at a Mercedes-Benz dealership in Little Rock.
Something was odd at the cemetery, and horse apples made for good fertilizer. Seems that no one was...
After blowing up the septic tank and ridding it of piranhas, we found pa chawing on a plug of bacci. His left arm was in a pickle jar waiting for the taxidermist to reattach, after his right knee cap. I got my job back at the trailer park but they took the taser from me and replaced it with a dower rod with an extended barrel,
The blast had left me partly deaf and partly not hearing a thing. Now with new hearing aids, Eunice and I were going to spend the weekend in Little Rock. I had leased a golf cart to drive the twenty-two miles from Tidbit. It had a supercharged Evinrude out...
I had just blown a crater in the backyard large enough to swallow ma and pa's retirement home. It was only one stick of dynamite to rid the septic tank of piranhas.
The blast could be heard in downtown Little Rock which was twenty-two miles away as the crow flew. When all the dust settled in the trailer park, it looked like Pompei. Ma was pissed because it interrupted her favorite TV show. The Price Is Right. We are still looking for Pa. We did locate his catheter that he recently got out of pawn. Is toupee, turned out to be an armadillo with the mange.
In my early years between Puberty and Imbred Arkansas I was gitten my edumacation like any utter humin being. I even had a stencil pitcher of Jethro Bodine on my nappies.
"Th' sto'y yer about t'hear is true. Herky Swink: This hyar is th' city. Tidbit, Arkansas. Ah wawk hyar, ah's a security gard."
I came of age at 56. Between a fried bologna sandwich and being mooned by a Rhode Island Red chicken. Having just finished my fifth year of culinary school at the Waffle House. I gradumarated summa cum laude and thought that summa didn't begin until June. Then I took a...