deepundergroundpoetry.com
next time, please shut up
and as we neared the summit
she grabbed my hand. I'm not too shy
to admit that we pranced together
them last ten paces or so.
Everything was choice cut,
the wind, sun, air, even the trees were smiling.
The good stuff, the reasons for cliché.
We reached the top just as a rainbow
burrowed into the back of an eagle
and our shared and sincere silence
almost epiphany'd our asses away
but
of course she broke it
some itch in her made her shout obnoxious
into the face of our perfection
Something about past lives
and having been here before
I broke the spell completely
with my sigh, and told her
that my spirit animal is a wombat
and that I am not sure if it's the dung beetle
or its ball; that is my karma
but, either way shit can be rounded
Neither of us gained
in the loss of Nirvana that day
but at least I can still look my pen
in the face
she grabbed my hand. I'm not too shy
to admit that we pranced together
them last ten paces or so.
Everything was choice cut,
the wind, sun, air, even the trees were smiling.
The good stuff, the reasons for cliché.
We reached the top just as a rainbow
burrowed into the back of an eagle
and our shared and sincere silence
almost epiphany'd our asses away
but
of course she broke it
some itch in her made her shout obnoxious
into the face of our perfection
Something about past lives
and having been here before
I broke the spell completely
with my sigh, and told her
that my spirit animal is a wombat
and that I am not sure if it's the dung beetle
or its ball; that is my karma
but, either way shit can be rounded
Neither of us gained
in the loss of Nirvana that day
but at least I can still look my pen
in the face
Published 31st Mar 2013
| Edited 9th Oct 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
reading list entries 1
comments 8
reads 713
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
31st Mar 2013 9:55pm
nice write lightbaron
strider
strider
31st Mar 2013 10:38pm
Anonymous
31st Mar 2013 10:11pm
Sometimes the reasons we are fed are just too hard to swallow. I love your line with "the reason for cliche " in it..that say's a lot. Often, we are left looking at our pen, knowing it's our only redemption..or painkiller.
the write is great, all elements of a great poem are here. Nice pen.
the write is great, all elements of a great poem are here. Nice pen.
31st Mar 2013 10:40pm
glad this worked for ya in some ways.
I started this terribly sarcastically, then asked myself a few questions.
at the end of the day I would melt my pen into a speck, if it allowed me to enjoy a gorgeous day.
thank ya kindly Miki
I started this terribly sarcastically, then asked myself a few questions.
at the end of the day I would melt my pen into a speck, if it allowed me to enjoy a gorgeous day.
thank ya kindly Miki
good ish lb...
i like the continuing sentiment that follows through. although i really like the third stanza it seems to go a bit more into the psyche of another character and leaves you wanting to know more. i always love a good introspection but
never like to be wondering about another character when it ends. there is alot of we
and every
goin on
but the she
is more behind the scenes. the title left me expecting more of a conversation or atleast reason to for lack of a better phrase "shut the fuck up bitch". or animosity towards criticism.
the journey and travel is def a work up. not like you need to work on it but that it progresses. which is good. my heart rate increases while reading and re reading.
the 'choice cut" line kind of stands out a bit for me as being off topic. (unless you are referring to eating someone while trapped in a tundra in which case i'm completely ok wit) i love sporadic dancing around but this seems to be the only line that does it. i would stick to the script go off the wall with or don't sway at all.
overall a gr8 journey with you. from beginning to peaking end. i might be off the chain and completely just in my cartoon mind here but thas my thing i guess.
good stuff lb. look forward to more man........
i like the continuing sentiment that follows through. although i really like the third stanza it seems to go a bit more into the psyche of another character and leaves you wanting to know more. i always love a good introspection but
never like to be wondering about another character when it ends. there is alot of we
and every
goin on
but the she
is more behind the scenes. the title left me expecting more of a conversation or atleast reason to for lack of a better phrase "shut the fuck up bitch". or animosity towards criticism.
the journey and travel is def a work up. not like you need to work on it but that it progresses. which is good. my heart rate increases while reading and re reading.
the 'choice cut" line kind of stands out a bit for me as being off topic. (unless you are referring to eating someone while trapped in a tundra in which case i'm completely ok wit) i love sporadic dancing around but this seems to be the only line that does it. i would stick to the script go off the wall with or don't sway at all.
overall a gr8 journey with you. from beginning to peaking end. i might be off the chain and completely just in my cartoon mind here but thas my thing i guess.
good stuff lb. look forward to more man........
1st Apr 2013 8:49pm
sweet...good notes JR, thanks.
I am weighing this against a couple ideas, and will tie your thoughts in with the considerations. Also, I do agree with the "choice cut" line sticking out...I was aware that it did, but judging by your feedback it may not read how I wanted it to.
thanks again my man, much appreciated
I am weighing this against a couple ideas, and will tie your thoughts in with the considerations. Also, I do agree with the "choice cut" line sticking out...I was aware that it did, but judging by your feedback it may not read how I wanted it to.
thanks again my man, much appreciated
1st Apr 2013 1:02pm
Damn Darlin !
All I will say at this point is I do hope this is one of the five Hun. If it is we will talk more about it later.
Into my reading list it goes LB :)
All I will say at this point is I do hope this is one of the five Hun. If it is we will talk more about it later.
Into my reading list it goes LB :)
1st Apr 2013 8:54pm
damn darling, back at cha!
I hadn't considered this yet as one of the five, but if you thought it represented some of the things that work from me, then I would(consider it)....if so, I would have a few questions, and would tighten a few spots...I will get back to you on that, and sooner than later.
Thank ya much M'dear
I hadn't considered this yet as one of the five, but if you thought it represented some of the things that work from me, then I would(consider it)....if so, I would have a few questions, and would tighten a few spots...I will get back to you on that, and sooner than later.
Thank ya much M'dear
