Calm yourself darling, it's just life

It can't have been much later
than 09:15 when he stuck the long black tube
up my nose and down my throat.
He had me go through a few vowel sounds
and then stick my tongue out
as far as I could...
There was no feeling tough in that room.

The thing is,
I've been pretty run down
and there's a lump in my neck
just underneath the knock-out spot,
and poetry should be about honesty

and, if the truth be told
I'm pretty scared.
Not scared of death,
that makes no sense,
but scared of not completing the goals
that freed me from death
last time around.

It's too early
to start screaming 'cancer'
from the rooftops.
I only make jokes about my imminent death
because it stops me from crying,
it stops me from giving up.
It stops me from wondering why
I'm having my blood tested
for Hepatitis B and HIV.
It stops me deciding
what the results of the biopsy
and the ultrasound will be
before they happen.

Hell, if there was one time in my life
when I was ready for such a fight,
it would be now.
So, in the meantime
I'll just keep on fighting;
getting closer to the cage
with every training session,
but as for now
it means a lot that you're reading this,
not because I asked you to,
but because you expect something from me
everytime I write.

That means a lot,
and I hope I haven't
let you down now.

Especially not now.