An honest appraise of my addiction

Did you think you could escape the wreckage of your using    
Did you think your life belonged to you    
That your using was a self inflected torchure that harmed no one else    
How selfish your bullshit lies, do you care about any one    
You bow your head in shame, a play for sympathy while planning your next high    
   
   
Your kids just a distraction when the voice screams to smoke the crystalline euphoria and then they are a tool for self abuse and guilt to rationalize the next fix    
Week, manipulative, lying piece of useless flesh, laying on the floor sweating out the ether, smelling it in your mustache and wanting more    
How amazing your ability to live in the delusion of your lies to serve your addiction at the cost of all around you    
   
Clean finally comes, every one around you exhausted from your chaos yet they smile and welcome you back,     
Poor little me! You say as they don't kiss your ass the way you think they should, how dare the whole of them not praise your recovery and rally back to you!     
Those stragglers staying behind smart enough not to trust you  
Even though everyone else see the truth, that they did rally for you, your still stuck in your bullshit delusion     
   
How long do you have to be clean for the delusion to subside and you see clearly    
How long before you can honestly say you have made amends    
9 months clean now, and your son drops out of school    
Why are you suprised, how did he last this long in your chaos    
Why do you get pissed off that this boy who lost his dad and the love that should have been there except for dads selfish miserable escapism is not living a normal childhood    
How do you fix 7 yrs lost to a glass pipe    
How do you repair the loss of a childhood    
   
You fucking don't dumb ass!     
This is the result of your choices,     
This is the cost of your addiction    
This is the result of your choosing delusion and hiding in the lies you knew in your gut you were telling yourself and every one else    
Go ahead, play the addicted victim again, play up how guilty you feel for the loss    
Martyr yourself on the alter of guilt    
     
See where all that disfunction gets you, maybe the needle again instead of the pipe, wallow in this bullshit pity for you and your kids, let them down again    
Teach them by example how to continue to hide from life, in a pipe, a needle or dropping out of school    
           
How's it been working so far?    
   
Hey, shit head, how bout trying something different!    
How about excepting that yes you did fuck up your kids child hood    
But it's time to work on a relationship now!    
How about trying for a change; to trust God enough to let him handle the outcomes of how your addiction harmed those around you    
Do you think you could stop causing damage long enough to allow wounds to heal?    
How about tomorrow, you get up and act like a responsible and productive member of the society you have leached off of for so long.    
How about you let those around you live out their lives for a little while with out your chaos    
How about you realize for that to happen you have to not BE chaos    
   
I read bullshit glamorization of drug use on this poetry site,    
I actually contribute at times,    
   
But this is my truth, this is how my addiction looks    
Like a spoiled brat trying to get his way,     
Be it by a needle, a crack pipe, or the ass kissing of those who love me    
   
Not sure what my recovery looks like but I know it is better that this, even if my recovery equals a fucking mess for me, the chore of cleaning up my damage    
dam it,  at least it is not dragging every one around me to hell    
   
I have lived enough of my life in my selfish addiction    
Let those around me have some peace    
At the very least stop the continued damage being done to them    
   
Hopefully soon I can see the repairs of deeper scares to those closest to me     
Hopefully I did not damage them to much    
   
Wow getting high doesn't sound like an option today!    
Nether does living in my selfish lies