Boats

I am utterly captured by the language - until I reach 'you eat the cheesecake with a spork' - and I am violently catapulted from my dream like state. I don't know what it is about that line, I'm just not sure it works. Then again - Sporks are awkward. So maybe it fits the context. Hmm.

The last line on secrets balances the whole write, wraps it up excellently.

Enjoyed. Bar the spork.

Ok, I had a bet with Mr A to use the word spork, because that's how the image is. It's an ugly bastard word and I'm sorry for its violent catapulting. I'll see what I can do. Danke, junge-frau.

'You have a secret, and I have ours.' Damn, that's a quality line, compliments the entire piece almost on its own. The beginning was great as well. 'Your secret is on the dresser, trapped
between pages of your favourite book.' save this for the final line and its working pretty god damn well, and everything in between builds up to that.

Great job, Mr. A

Cheers, Evan. Quite a soft piece with nutty bits. Think it needs some work.

Thanks for reading into it.

Keep the spork! Because real people eat real things with sporks, and because awkward incidental little things like that appear in all our out-takes, and because everyone should be poked with a spork - all day, every day. Because it makes the cheesecake into a lemon cheesecake, and because it means those two people are sat by the water having some kind of picnic. Because fork is too solid and assertive, and because spork appears in amongst all the big images like a funny little tic that makes the words endearing.
I love the title you've picked; along with the little self-contained verses it makes me think of paper boats being launched out unsteadily onto water.

+
'masts askew; a still joust' is a great jumble of words and tricky sounds that come together to create this shifting effect, just like the way water will slightly distort things.
+
Wouldn't 'dome of sun' be cool if it was a segment like an orange or a slice like a cheesecake, though too many 's' sounds, I know. Somehow I was to press the words 'dome' and 'sun' together without the interruption of 'of'.

Yeah I think spork has to stay. It's how it should be; quirky or not. I know you'd get at the three lined verses. I might put a bit more space between them to give it that Sunday feel. :)
 
Would have been nice to use something other than sun, but I'd have lost everyone with that(or most anyway). Gotta be kind to the reader sometimes; only the writing of it is mine, it becomes not mine the minute I push submit. Thank you for the passion. It's missing around here. :)

mastercraft
cheesecakey
smoothe
delicio
sweet
Bravo

Thank'ya
very
muchly,
sax---
man.

love this..well done!

That exclamation mark worked. Thank you, Miki.

"I leaned near the water, on elbows
and the boats tilted further up
with masts askew; a still joust"

As if your leaning pulled the very scene toward you, thereby tilting the boats ... wonderful image.  The still joust a great place to take it.

Thanks,for visiting this humble shack. It's about time we get to read something from you, kaatho.