The Door

Bearing my soul here goes nothing :)  
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YouTube spoken word version (recommended):
http://youtu.be/B03kTeLhEGA


I self deprecate
because I can't appreciate
what I have
who I am
that I'm alive
Uncle Walt said it best
that you are here
that life exists
and the powerful play goes on
But the play's just another day
Another day to drink away
the fears, and tears and lonely years

I am the greatest guard of my own prison
I cannot unlock this cell that I sit in
if you call, I will not listen
send me a text i will not open
how I long to be forgiven
because for me, happiness is forbidden

I deserve this
I deserve this

says who?
says the voice in your head
as you're curled up in your bed
like a child in a thunderstorm
boom, pop, is it getting warm
under the sheets, where you hide again
running, running, running
you can't escape it
it's overtaking
your very consciousness
yet your selfishness won't let you free
if you could just believe me
that the door is right there
it's right there
no lock
just a handle
there's no risk and no gamble
but you can't even approach it
because you fear it
because the other side could be pain
or embarrassment or shame
but what if it's love
or an angel sent from above
what if it's friendship
or a random act of kindness
will you let go of the blindness
that stops you from trying
to accept just a glimmer of hope
to at least reach before you fall
to try to pick up a call, to connect not build a wall

I know it hurts
I know how hard your heart beats
like a drumline on fourth of july
how it feels to look someone in the eye
who may end up tearing you apart

I know it hurts
to remember a memory
to not believe in family
when your father crushed yours at its knees
and it needs no explanation
why the very foundation
was formed on a series of lies
that you so well understand
because the place where you stand
is where you expect to fall

don't anticipate the fall
or you will live in fear forever

you deserve?
you deserve this.
and that.
and ra-ta-fucking-tat.
even a child can understand.
it's as simple as breathing.
in. and. out.

the door is there
you can go in, or stay out
but if you stay out understand
that the place where you stand
will be your grave should you be riddled by fear
but if you go in understand
that the place where you stand
will be but a place you have been.