A Small Forgotten War

Sitting in the huge steel warship, collect your pay book write your will
On the page provided you will be guided
Write my will? I feel a chill maybe I’ll be killed?
Of course I’ve seen the page before
Never really thought about what it was for

Sitting in the mess hall all are quiet lost in thought
Writing brief notes hoping they'll never be posted
Dear mum and dad if you’re reading this I’ll not be coming home...
Every man of us now alone
What have I got to leave anybody except my body?
The dubious legacy of briefly knowing me?

Sergeant Major comes around inspecting,correcting
Bawls across to the officer
Can Johnson 'ave Dr Barnardo’s ‘as iz next of kin sah?

Johnson blushes to his roots I feel sorry for the poor bugger
Didn’t know he was an orphan
At least my old man will piss any benefits of this testament
Against a wall whilst weaving his way home from pub or club
Who knows maybe a few crocodile tears thrown in for good luck?
Fuck!

Job done up on deck sun bright hot, eye the hostile shore
Is this what it’s like to go to war?
God what a bore
No one shooting at us no sign of life what next?
Feeling the tension sweat run down my neck
Weapons check

Bloody Brunei where is it anyway?
Why today? Why any day?
Who’s the enemy? Just a bunch of jerks
Dissatisfied with how things work
Want the oil without the toil
And we might yet be buried in foreign soil

Sergeant Major’s bawling again, bloody pain
Why do these bastards always bawl?
Can’t they talk? Or a reasoned call?
Kit on cock yer weapons safety catch on move to the nets
Shit I’m first over the side it's a bloody long way down
Feeling daft landing craft?
I’m not John Bloody Wayne.

I grasp the scramble net swaying, sagging underfoot
It feels salty coarse on hands
This time it's not playing
Scratch my face on the looser strands
Reality thrust upon me

Sailor says stop wait ‘til the boat swings back
If you go in you’ll sink like a stone with all that gear
I wait until the sea surge returns them near
Then step easy breathing relief I’m in, now to begin
Boat’s soon full all crouched tightly in the hull
Motors blast we’re off for that hazy shore

Stand in the door! the sailor roars
What fuckin’ door?
It’s not there anymore
Just a bright white beach between two grey steel walls
Then the urgent shout OUT!OUT!

Into the sea the lads and me
Up the beach scooting shouting shooting
Like banshees screaming
More in fear than anger

Bushes  move I shoot a dog
Johnson blasts a fuckin’ log!
Hell there’s no one here!
Adrenalin has nowhere to go I feel cheated
Not like the movies then? Deflated
He's bawling again: Move through move through
Don't stand around secure this bloody compound

Speak to an old man in my best Malay (and that’s crap anyway)
All rebels tuan go away, didn’t like big warship
Think airstrike come.
Are you barmy? This is the bloody British Army
Every expense has been spared
And the extra danger equally shared!
Fuckin’ airstrike?
We ain’t even got a motorbike!

Marines land further up the beach lose four men
Light Machine Gun stayed behind they ran into it blind
That is just the luck of the draw
Welcome to our shitty little war!

Post script: We occupied a town called Kuala Belait and I told the Segeant Major the locals have bestowed upon him the title 'Jambang Tikus.' I tell him it means mighty warrior and he's chuffed to bits. Translated jambang tikus means Shithouse rat! He never found out! :-)


"What if they held a war and nobody came?" (Spike Milligan)