deepundergroundpoetry.com
A Pouting Child
Life is a like petulant child
It's comfort lies in trivial things
A hurried kiss
Or lingering hug
A harried smile, or hurried meal
Are all it needs to satisfy itself
Small rewards preceded by auspicious actions
It's a rare life that touches something larger, some utter truth
Those are the ones the world will treasure
Life is like a pouting child, and as with most of its kind
All it wants to do is leave the marks of its pudgy fingers
On the glass that separates it from the sweetness of other lives
It's comfort lies in trivial things
A hurried kiss
Or lingering hug
A harried smile, or hurried meal
Are all it needs to satisfy itself
Small rewards preceded by auspicious actions
It's a rare life that touches something larger, some utter truth
Those are the ones the world will treasure
Life is like a pouting child, and as with most of its kind
All it wants to do is leave the marks of its pudgy fingers
On the glass that separates it from the sweetness of other lives
Published 20th Dec 2012
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likes 2
reading list entries 0
comments 6
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
20th Dec 2012 9:01am
Really not happy with this yet but I can't really see exactly how to improve it so....
20th Dec 2012 3:58pm
Yes it needs some work but it could be a very good one. Re read it and play with it
Anonymous
20th Dec 2012 4:44pm
Dystopian Melody
I love the following lines and their sentiments expressed.
"It's a rare life that touches something larger, some utter truth
Those are the ones the world will treasure"
&
"On the glass that separates it from the sweetness of other lives"
The above lines stand out for me by far and seem to hint at the makings of a second poem in this piece!
Good luck in updating this cool poem! :)
I love the following lines and their sentiments expressed.
"It's a rare life that touches something larger, some utter truth
Those are the ones the world will treasure"
&
"On the glass that separates it from the sweetness of other lives"
The above lines stand out for me by far and seem to hint at the makings of a second poem in this piece!
Good luck in updating this cool poem! :)
21st Dec 2012 12:05pm
Thank you, those are some of the few lines I actually like from this piece. I'm actually thinking of just wiping the slate with this one and carrying those lines over to a 'new' poem :)
20th Dec 2012 4:52pm
Your premise is solid Dystopian. I think your problem lies in the fact it is too philosophical, which is creating a detachment. Open that door little ;)
Personalize it... Not necessarily with you, or your life. But show me "someone" doing these wonderful descriptives. I think that might be the bridge you need to cross here. :)
Personalize it... Not necessarily with you, or your life. But show me "someone" doing these wonderful descriptives. I think that might be the bridge you need to cross here. :)
21st Dec 2012 12:03pm
Yeah I'm struggling on where to find the balance to be quite honest...... My poems either read almost as a letter and are painfully to the point, or they're completely detached and abstract. I think this one would be a good piece to try and get the balance right, but I still haven't quite figured it out yet.
P.s sorry for the late reply, been a little busy lately
P.s sorry for the late reply, been a little busy lately
