deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Family
The Family
The shutters on the windows are black
and flaking. David hasn't painted them since '96, or combed his hair. He coughs and coughs all day long
because he smokes 50 strong ones and falls asleep in poisoned air. [3]
She breathes cold as she's been outside for days
in the same blue jeans, grey t-shirt and torn duffle coat. Post-natal depression and psychosis. [2]
The people wear suits of respect
as the dead one lays, as the mourning carries on, as the rain pitter-patters on the floor.
The cot is empty. The coffin full. [1]
The shutters on the windows are black
and flaking. David hasn't painted them since '96, or combed his hair. He coughs and coughs all day long
because he smokes 50 strong ones and falls asleep in poisoned air. [3]
She breathes cold as she's been outside for days
in the same blue jeans, grey t-shirt and torn duffle coat. Post-natal depression and psychosis. [2]
The people wear suits of respect
as the dead one lays, as the mourning carries on, as the rain pitter-patters on the floor.
The cot is empty. The coffin full. [1]
Published 19th Dec 2012
| Edited 20th Dec 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 0
comments 7
reads 785
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
19th Dec 2012 10:22pm
...may as well tell you now that I'm going to steal that last line one day....the ideas and concept of story built into that one line alone make this poem worth the throw-down.
(the middle verse wavers a bit, in that you jump tenses slightly randomly...not a show-stopper though)
roll on LA
hh
(the middle verse wavers a bit, in that you jump tenses slightly randomly...not a show-stopper though)
roll on LA
hh
19th Dec 2012 10:55pm
19th Dec 2012 11:42pm
forgive me but 'with undiagnosed post-natal'...what was undiagnosed?
loved the read and the deadly end...very clever
loved the read and the deadly end...very clever
20th Dec 2012 10:20am
I was meaning it as in post-natal depression. I thought in general people would get that and, if it's undiagnosed, it's known to be deadly. The intention is to look at the numbers at the end of each stanza as the indication of a timeline and connect post-natal to time as well. Anyway, minor thing.
Thanks, T.
Thanks, T.
20th Dec 2012 11:59am
I'm reading Edgar Allan Poe and he's killing me. My tutors at the college continue to suggest how good he is and I am struggling to see it. Though that doesn't mean vacancy isn't a style in itself.
21st Dec 2012 3:38pm
la
i have read this a few times since
you posted it. somehow it has evolved
overtime. the tree units complete the
whole family. like i have said a million
times, they are stark and cinematic. the
images you paint. this has reminded me
of a british production directed by
tim roth called 'war zone' that i
had watched a week back. in a
strange and powerful way.:]
very sinister, very tangible. dark
and discomforting, yes.
1 and 2 are my favorites. 2 is beautiful.
i loved it pre-edit. now this has a sense
of clinicality, like the work of some nazi surgeon.
1 is haunting. your signature moment.
it stays with a harrowing stoicism,
especially that last line. like hemi
has said, it's worth stealing a hundred
times. if that belongs somewhere else,
of course.
thank you for this. more.
x
sumeet
p.s-
i have read this a few times since
you posted it. somehow it has evolved
overtime. the tree units complete the
whole family. like i have said a million
times, they are stark and cinematic. the
images you paint. this has reminded me
of a british production directed by
tim roth called 'war zone' that i
had watched a week back. in a
strange and powerful way.:]
very sinister, very tangible. dark
and discomforting, yes.
1 and 2 are my favorites. 2 is beautiful.
i loved it pre-edit. now this has a sense
of clinicality, like the work of some nazi surgeon.
1 is haunting. your signature moment.
it stays with a harrowing stoicism,
especially that last line. like hemi
has said, it's worth stealing a hundred
times. if that belongs somewhere else,
of course.
thank you for this. more.
x
sumeet
p.s-
