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A Victim of Attempted Emotional Murder

I hate you  
I always have    
     
The moment those words spilled from her mouth    
everything changed for me    
something in me died    
I, who I was disintegrated    
into nothing    
shock    
disbelief, paralyzed      
feeling as if I had been erased by six words    
     
my world had shifted    
as if the the gravitational pull had also been effected    
my knees went weak    
my heart sank to the bottom of my soul    
no tears shed, I was to shocked to cry    
frozen, each word stabbing me over and over      
unable to save myself from the emotional murder    
I turned around an walked out the door    
I would never cross that threshold again    
     
those words though,    
they cross my mind everyday      
I try and forget, perhaps maybe even forgive    
yet they are knives, sharp knives that cut the soul    
the wounds created shall never heal    
searching for away to deafen a memory    
I found myself lost in the night,    
lost in whispers of love found in someones bed    
hoping the fire of lustful momentary love would      
cauterize my bleeding soul    
     
time heals all wounds is a bunch of bullshit    
fifteen years ago feels like yesterday    
when those words seep from my soul into my brain,    
I remember thinking most of my life she hated me    
I can recall telling people I thought she hated me    
thinking something is way different from knowing it    
from hearing it, from seeing it pour out of her mouth    
feeling each word individually and slowly    
time froze for the pain    
     
pulling myself up and out of the soul hole those words created    
was not easy, loving myself was not easy    
eventually I did, everyday is fight not to fall into that hole    
happiness has been found in the smallest simplest things in life like a dragonfly or a sunny day,  
I love and have been loved    
I don't search beds for it anymore    
yes,my soul can still hear those words echoing      
now when something in me repeats      
     
I hate you, I always have    
     
I whisper back    
     
I love you mom and I always have and I always will    
     
love will always trump hate    
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
     
  
nikkimoe
Written by nikkimoe
Published | Edited 14th Dec 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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