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This poem contains content which some readers may find disturbing.
It is unsuitable for children or anyone who is easily offended.
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deepundergroundpoetry.com
fuck all.
I can bite this blanket
and scratch at my throat
but I can't stop these guttural laments
that consume me daily.
I can't ever forget the impact
but the memories of your hair,
voice and scent are all evanescent.
Would I even recognize it if you
somehow fell from the earth's atmosphere
and screamed out for me?
Still I yearn for you.
I always will.
and scratch at my throat
but I can't stop these guttural laments
that consume me daily.
I can't ever forget the impact
but the memories of your hair,
voice and scent are all evanescent.
Would I even recognize it if you
somehow fell from the earth's atmosphere
and screamed out for me?
Still I yearn for you.
I always will.
Written by
SychophanticSlag
Published 23rd Nov 2012
| Edited 25th Dec 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 19
reading list entries 3
comments 28
reads 1324
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Re: fuck all.
23rd Nov 2012 9:41am
re: Re: fuck all.
24th Nov 2012 1:54am
Re: fuck all.
23rd Nov 2012 10:01am
Strong. It could be a break-up or someone passed on, I like the ambiguity, although I'm leaning towards the latter.
Line nine, I think you meant "earth's"
Line nine, I think you meant "earth's"
0
re: Re: fuck all.
24th Nov 2012 1:56am
It is the latter but I do try to make my writing so it can speak to other in different ways.
Thank you!
Thank you!
Re: fuck all.
30th Nov 2012 3:41pm
hmmmm
Do you really want critique ? I can tell by the way you write you do pay attention to what you are doing.
A teenager huh ?
I am 47 and I can tell you this. You are better than I was in my youth.
Do you really want critique ? I can tell by the way you write you do pay attention to what you are doing.
A teenager huh ?
I am 47 and I can tell you this. You are better than I was in my youth.
0
re: Re: fuck all.
30th Nov 2012 7:11pm
Re: fuck all.
30th Nov 2012 8:39pm
I will give you a little example how to reign your words in so you get that impact/punch with your words without sounding like a peckerwood losing it on Jerry Springer (not that you do, because you don't but... it is an easy trap to fall into lol)
the example -
I can bite this blanket
and scratch at my throat
"scratch my throat" is an ancient Greek expression. Your piece is too modern for that.
And frankly you have the words for your second line hiding in your first line.
What would you do if you chewed on a blanket (particularly one of those fuzzy ones)?
I would choke on it ;)
Let's try it with your next stanza shall we ?
I can bite this blanket
and choke on it
but I can't stop these guttural laments
You are still conveying the emotion you want to, but with a very concrete image for the reader to experience. See where I am going with this ?
You can even play with the third line to fit more smoothly.
I will leave that up to you. I can already tell you are quite capable.
These are suggestions/ not your mother telling you to clean your room ;) lol
Simply something to think about :)
the example -
I can bite this blanket
and scratch at my throat
"scratch my throat" is an ancient Greek expression. Your piece is too modern for that.
And frankly you have the words for your second line hiding in your first line.
What would you do if you chewed on a blanket (particularly one of those fuzzy ones)?
I would choke on it ;)
Let's try it with your next stanza shall we ?
I can bite this blanket
and choke on it
but I can't stop these guttural laments
You are still conveying the emotion you want to, but with a very concrete image for the reader to experience. See where I am going with this ?
You can even play with the third line to fit more smoothly.
I will leave that up to you. I can already tell you are quite capable.
These are suggestions/ not your mother telling you to clean your room ;) lol
Simply something to think about :)
0
re: Re: fuck all.
1st Dec 2012 10:26am
Thank you for the input. :)
When I mention scratching at my throat, it's literal. I do that when I cry so I don't think I'll be changing that any time soon.
Again thank you so much for your suggestions, feel free to stop by and critique whenever.
When I mention scratching at my throat, it's literal. I do that when I cry so I don't think I'll be changing that any time soon.
Again thank you so much for your suggestions, feel free to stop by and critique whenever.
Re: fuck all.
2nd Dec 2012 1:50am
Carla.
This is very emotive. first seven lines are a good prelude to the question you ask with the next three.
honestly, I'd probably change 'scream at the end to a different ..less loud word like yearn or die or some such wording but I can see why you'd choose it.
fair play for laying yourself bare onto the page, never an easy task by any means.
shine on.
This is very emotive. first seven lines are a good prelude to the question you ask with the next three.
honestly, I'd probably change 'scream at the end to a different ..less loud word like yearn or die or some such wording but I can see why you'd choose it.
fair play for laying yourself bare onto the page, never an easy task by any means.
shine on.
0
re: Re: fuck all.
2nd Dec 2012 11:06am
Thank you, Eamon.
and I agree with you about scream
I'll be changing it.
and I agree with you about scream
I'll be changing it.
Re: fuck all.
8th Dec 2012 3:01am
Re: fuck all.
Anonymous
22nd Dec 2012 1:19am
Was directed here from your thread, great write!
Anyway, I wouldn't worry about the extreme content labels too much, i'm sure even if there were themes that were extreme for some users there wouldn't be too much of a problem. And an administrator would fix it up quickly too.
But yes, great write Carla!
Anyway, I wouldn't worry about the extreme content labels too much, i'm sure even if there were themes that were extreme for some users there wouldn't be too much of a problem. And an administrator would fix it up quickly too.
But yes, great write Carla!
0
re: Re: fuck all.
22nd Dec 2012 1:38am
Thank you :)
and yeah I'm not worried/ I just like to know for future reference.
and yeah I'm not worried/ I just like to know for future reference.
Re: fuck all.
22nd Dec 2012 3:37am
Very beautiful poem, nicely worded. I see no extreme content here. It must be a mistake.
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re: Re: fuck all.
22nd Dec 2012 5:47am
Re: fuck all.
22nd Dec 2012 8:47am
re: Re: fuck all.
22nd Dec 2012 10:10am
Re: fuck all.
27th Dec 2012 10:12pm
I agree with Blake25 . The rest not so much, because a poem is like a painting with its own nuances and depths. Your grasp of words is clearly of a high standard and you like to play with them like toys to make your point.
Would I change the Mona Lisa..No
Q.E.D.
The only real judge of you should be you and that way you will develop your own style freely and unconstrained. You can always come back and change it later on.
Would I change the Mona Lisa..No
Q.E.D.
The only real judge of you should be you and that way you will develop your own style freely and unconstrained. You can always come back and change it later on.
0
re: Re: fuck all.
28th Dec 2012 8:39am
Thank you very much
I do agree that my judgement is best but I would be nowhere without a little help from others.
I do agree that my judgement is best but I would be nowhere without a little help from others.
Re: fuck all.
9th Feb 2013 11:59am
re: Re: fuck all.
9th Feb 2013 12:01pm
Re: fuck all.
16th Apr 2013 9:44pm
nothing that really grabs me, a bad time for sure but theres nothing dynamic about it and it dosent form any pictures in my minds eye
0
Re: fuck all.
24th Apr 2013 3:33am
re: Re: fuck all.
25th Apr 2013 7:16am