heavy eyes, they say it all

i cannot breathe.
i cannot think the way i want myself to think because my thoughts are running over each other and i feel every scar on my skin revisiting the surface and screaming horrors into my sleep because my mind is as tense as air molecules struggling for air in a stained, overused kettle before they take flight and
evaporate.

i try to place radiance where there is dark
in every single fucking thing i do
because shadows can never form
where there is no shine
but i smother myself with so much
until i am stood too close to the light
and my own shadows engulf the entire space
of my being.

i want to feel the way i deserve to feel.

i carry myself like deadweight
promising myself the meaning of all this.

sometimes i meditate to such heights
where i feel completely ethereal
but always fall to the constant comedown
that resides in the depths of permanence
clogging my will and draining my sight.

i want to feel the way i deserve to feel.

there are days like these
when i try to face the world
because it is expected of me
and assume that if everybody else
cannot see the girl that digs her nails into her skin and
tears her hair out and runs into walls
at the flight of insanity
this girl will soon disappear
but there is only so much i can exert
before i revert into myself
and claim recognition with this
familiar pain i try to disguise and
push out.

i tell myself there is more to life
and truly believe it
because of you and because of
who i have learned to become
when i am at my strongest.

but maybe i will only settle on the ease of
believing it in all purity
if i dare to accept
that without this pain
life will only be as meaningless
as my belief that i am in complete control of myself.

it is with pain
where life is shatteringly beautiful
and all i feel
is worth everything.

i want to feel what i deserve to feel,
so i need to stop fearing fear
and face it
and fight it
until there is nothing left to fight for.