Why won't you just fucking die!?

I still think about it...
Every goddamn day
Every time I look in the mirror
Every time I pick up a fucking beer..
Which is more than I like to admit
More than I would ever admit to anyone in my life..
But they could never understand..
Would never try to..

She's so vindictive
So spiteful for no good reason
Did you know she worships the devil?
She does black magic
She's reclusive for a reason..
She's completely disgusting
Laughs at dead baby jokes
Cusses like a sailor

A bad influence that girl..
She does drugs..
Drinks every day
Smokes like a chimney
I knew her back in high school
Before she dropped out
I watched her suck dick for ecstasy
Fuck for 2.c.e.
She'll never change
Always a fuck up
Always a degenerate

Lilly..
I miss you so much
I wish I could just talk to you
Tell you how shitty life really is
Tell you how much I just want to give up
How much I hate myself and who I've become
How I have been suffocating..
How I just won't fucking die..
No matter how hard I try..
How many times suicide has slapped me in the fucking face and keeps disappointing me..

I cry
All the time
Every fucking time someone brings you up..
Every fucking time I wake up in the morning thinking about the fucked up dream I just had and how I know you would crack up saying that's just us.. That's just what a cynic like us would bring back to consciousness when we return..
That I'm not a freak because you daydream about slaughtering your so called "family" to..

Goddammit why won't I just fucking die..
Why
I just don't understand
Why you died..
Why I took you with me..
Why I left you all alone
Why I left too get high..
Cody was hot..
He was a good lay and had the best shit..
I just wanted to get high..
I just wanted to forget..
I regret it so much..
I almost regret you..
Almost

Sadness is..
A disability
A disease that spreads
Corroding your insides
Rots you into a living zombie
Numb..
Broken..
Unimportant..
Nothing..
Nothing...
Nothing...
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing...
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing.
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..
Nothing..

I hate everything
I despise Everyone
Preaching..
Shut your fucking mouth
You will never understand
Never
Never understand
A burden like this
A curse..
To be a living monster
A walking atrocity
A bitch that breathes
A whore that giggles

Never understand
Why the rope broke..
Why the noose failed..
I'm such a fat cunt
To heavy for the ceiling fan..

Never understand
Why the door opened
Why the knife wasn't deep enough..
Why she found me..
Why the doctors mended the wounds
I just wanted to bleed
It felt so good..
So real
So accepting

Never understand
What it's like to be incarcerated
Trapped behind white walls
Group therapy that only makes it more depressing
Listening to other sob stories
Other fucking deceased rejects
Who died..
Yet live..

I miss you Lilly
I still love you..
Baby..
Why won't you answer me!?
Why won't you fucking talk to me!?
You promised you would always be there..
I promised I would always be here..
I'm still here..
I'm still in agony..
Alone
So fucking alone..

I still think about it
Every goddamn day..
Every time I look in the mirror
But what I'll never understand..
Is why she won't fucking die

I think I understand..
She died
A long time ago
So very fucking long ago
I miss you..
I miss you..
I miss you..
I MISS YOU!
I miss me..
I miss innocence..
I miss ignorance..
I miss getting fucked up for fun..

She's wierd..
She's an outcast
She's repulsive
She's obscene
She's different
She's socially awkward
She's still fucking alive

Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?
Why won't you just fucking die!?

I've tried..
It's my punishment for being gluttonous
I'm condemned to live with my regrets
To live in a world of foul desire
It's my punishment for being human

Maybe I'm just a coward
Hiding behind addiction
A pussy who deserves to suffer
A liar on the face of God
Sometimes
No matter how hard I try
I just don't believe
I'm a just an ant
Burning under a microscope
Writhing in self pity
Drinking away my sorrow
Dying in life
In reality

Pathetic sharing my story with a stranger
Because a friend..
Well what is really a friend?
A fucking tombstone
Poetry..
Is nothing but imbecility
A truth hidden behind a verse
A paragraph of reaching out
To another who doesn't give a rats ass
So fuck you to
Who the fuck are you?
What the hell are you?

Absolutely nothing
Nobody
Who the fuck am I?
A desolate void
Writing to release my demons
So fuck off