deepundergroundpoetry.com
Does Your Mascara Ever Smear?
Have you ever wandered aimlessly under the guidance of celestial bliss?
Just a bit to much vodka, lost in a city you only have memories of
Not exactly certain where the concrete pavement leads, yet knowing exactly which part of town you're in
Carried away by the mad sirens of your past directing you towards the unknown
Then receive that one txt you subconsciously have been awaiting that reads,
"So I hear you're in town"
Have you ever found that unbearable fatal attraction to a scorpio man?
Smoldered and burnt to cinders under just the lustful gaze of all his majestic mystery
Aware of every gorgeous feature in both his unbelievably intelligent mind and to-die-for body
Assuming you would never have a chance in hell just to spend one night with him
Then when the time came you came and came again in so many more ways than just one
Have you ever ended up stranded at a gas-station in a place you once called home for an hour and a half?
Messy hair and fucked up make-up from yesterday screaming this is your walk of shame
Smiling beseech yourself as you recall every moment of undeniable passion from the night before
Reminiscing about round two of an unspoken rapid oxidation between you and the man of your dreams
It seems that sometimes, the only thing more intimate than a secret lovers touch is the written word of a poet
Just a bit to much vodka, lost in a city you only have memories of
Not exactly certain where the concrete pavement leads, yet knowing exactly which part of town you're in
Carried away by the mad sirens of your past directing you towards the unknown
Then receive that one txt you subconsciously have been awaiting that reads,
"So I hear you're in town"
Have you ever found that unbearable fatal attraction to a scorpio man?
Smoldered and burnt to cinders under just the lustful gaze of all his majestic mystery
Aware of every gorgeous feature in both his unbelievably intelligent mind and to-die-for body
Assuming you would never have a chance in hell just to spend one night with him
Then when the time came you came and came again in so many more ways than just one
Have you ever ended up stranded at a gas-station in a place you once called home for an hour and a half?
Messy hair and fucked up make-up from yesterday screaming this is your walk of shame
Smiling beseech yourself as you recall every moment of undeniable passion from the night before
Reminiscing about round two of an unspoken rapid oxidation between you and the man of your dreams
It seems that sometimes, the only thing more intimate than a secret lovers touch is the written word of a poet
Published 21st Oct 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 2
comments 11
reads 1016
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
21st Oct 2012 7:41pm
21st Oct 2012 7:45pm
Haha thanks Shaunda, I just had to find a way to put it in words. I'm glad you like it.
21st Oct 2012 7:53pm
well sweet, when i saw the title of this, i assure you i was unprepared for the beautiful art-work i was about to be exposed to. this is just beautiful. i think though that you deserve more from me than oooh pretty poem, so have a honest crit on this one... use it don't use it, i couldn't care...
"Have you ever wandered aimlessly under the guidance of celestial stars?" a beautiful opening line it draws the reader into the poem immediately, though i'm not sure about the use celestial and stars together, i think your impact would increase using either or.
"Had just a bit to much vodka lost in a city you only have memories of" i'm not sure of "had" it seems obsolete there, and i feel a line break or comma between vodka and lost will speed the diction for you. then line 3 "leads to yet" again a line break or comma will bring the read to speed but the "to" just slows it down. line 5 swop unconcious for subconcious. Your "so i hear you in town" is strong enough to fill a line on its own.
Vrs 2 LINE 1..... GOLD sweet just Gold. Also that last line in that vrs ROCKS!
I loved the narrators tone here she speaks of a wealth of street cred and experience and her language is the perfect mix of hard core and vulnerable with a touch "don't fuck with me" love it.
Then that last line is so perfectly worded but again i think the length of the line hurts the diction, maybe good to try...
It seems that sometimes the only thing more intimate than a secret lovers touch is
the written word of a poet
Bang what a close from an absolutely wonderfuly talented lady, i am soooo very pleased i follow you and read this poem today well done.
kisses
xoxo
(P)
"Have you ever wandered aimlessly under the guidance of celestial stars?" a beautiful opening line it draws the reader into the poem immediately, though i'm not sure about the use celestial and stars together, i think your impact would increase using either or.
"Had just a bit to much vodka lost in a city you only have memories of" i'm not sure of "had" it seems obsolete there, and i feel a line break or comma between vodka and lost will speed the diction for you. then line 3 "leads to yet" again a line break or comma will bring the read to speed but the "to" just slows it down. line 5 swop unconcious for subconcious. Your "so i hear you in town" is strong enough to fill a line on its own.
Vrs 2 LINE 1..... GOLD sweet just Gold. Also that last line in that vrs ROCKS!
I loved the narrators tone here she speaks of a wealth of street cred and experience and her language is the perfect mix of hard core and vulnerable with a touch "don't fuck with me" love it.
Then that last line is so perfectly worded but again i think the length of the line hurts the diction, maybe good to try...
It seems that sometimes the only thing more intimate than a secret lovers touch is
the written word of a poet
Bang what a close from an absolutely wonderfuly talented lady, i am soooo very pleased i follow you and read this poem today well done.
kisses
xoxo
(P)
Well hun, I cant thank you enough for your gracious comment. It's much to often I get a kiss-ass rather than an actual critic.
It's funny, when I went back to read I felt the same way about the opening line. I'm thinking about changing stars to bliss. I would be more than happy to make other subtle changes in thisas well, for the readers sake, and again I thank you for being so helpful.
I'm glad you enjoyed my narration on this. I knew what I wanted to say I just wasn't sure how to. I figured it would be fun to try that out.
The only thing I disagree on is the ending line. Yes it might be long, but it was the first line I wrote for the poem. It started the chain reaction that created the whole piece for me.
I'm grateful for you following me, I might have never gotten such wonderful feedback otherwise.
Don't be a stranger now, I enjoy your attitude haha,
Kourtnis
It's funny, when I went back to read I felt the same way about the opening line. I'm thinking about changing stars to bliss. I would be more than happy to make other subtle changes in thisas well, for the readers sake, and again I thank you for being so helpful.
I'm glad you enjoyed my narration on this. I knew what I wanted to say I just wasn't sure how to. I figured it would be fun to try that out.
The only thing I disagree on is the ending line. Yes it might be long, but it was the first line I wrote for the poem. It started the chain reaction that created the whole piece for me.
I'm grateful for you following me, I might have never gotten such wonderful feedback otherwise.
Don't be a stranger now, I enjoy your attitude haha,
Kourtnis
22nd Oct 2012 12:47pm
stranger, never you my friend, hon & god knows those are hard to find. that piece reads much easier now, i like your other edits too and that comma on the close makes the world of difference. this is lovely.
xoxo
(P)
xoxo
(P)
22nd Oct 2012 4:41am
22nd Oct 2012 8:01am
Anonymous
23rd Oct 2012 00:32am
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23rd Oct 2012 1:01am
Haha! That's so ironic, I had to light a cigarette after I wrote it.. Lol. Thank you so much for the positive reinforcement. I almost didn't post this.. It's so personal I kinda felt dirty posting it.. But then that made it exciting so I decided what the hell, why not. Thrilled you enjoyed it hun.
Anonymous
23rd Oct 2012 1:58am
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