deepundergroundpoetry.com
Pretend (amour fou 4)
lay down for me an order
any sequence
or complacency
so that I may play my role
name the pathways
even along the edges
so that I may maintain
occupancy in unseen margins
discover the page
and plant a flag
that I may claim the binding
and establish
its loose threads
let's pretend that reality
isn't at stake
so the artists aren't
tried for treason
pretend there aren't
soldiers on march through thought
and I'll pretend
I'm not a terrorist
I will hide
the saliva slipping off canine tooth
by the mention
of insurrection
under the guise of inspiration
simple creativity
pretending
there's no improvised explosives
said between cracks
in flag planted thought
any sequence
or complacency
so that I may play my role
name the pathways
even along the edges
so that I may maintain
occupancy in unseen margins
discover the page
and plant a flag
that I may claim the binding
and establish
its loose threads
let's pretend that reality
isn't at stake
so the artists aren't
tried for treason
pretend there aren't
soldiers on march through thought
and I'll pretend
I'm not a terrorist
I will hide
the saliva slipping off canine tooth
by the mention
of insurrection
under the guise of inspiration
simple creativity
pretending
there's no improvised explosives
said between cracks
in flag planted thought
Published 13th Oct 2012
| Edited 14th Oct 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 0
comments 6
reads 668
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
13th Oct 2012 7:58pm
Lightbaron + improvised explosives = creative genius
nice write
strider
nice write
strider
13th Oct 2012 8:34pm
13th Oct 2012 8:53pm
LB
nice translation from the mind, again somewhat uncanny in it's relate-ness.
There's a couple of suggestions I can make regarding my own preferences, whether it'd make sense to change the poem based on that I'm not too sure but I'll throw them out there.
first stanza, first line , doesn't really sit well because of the last word.
"lay down for me order
any sequence
or complacency
so that I may play my role"
see my problem here is I'd initially assume 'order was someones name. ie "lay down for me sally". a comma might suffice to counter that but I'd suggest an 'and between me and order.
lay down for me and order
any sequence
or complacency
so that I may play my role
second stanza. really deep there man , really deep.
at first I thought you could use a couple of more words on the second line to accentuate that thought the stanza contains ,
name the pathways
even if they're along the edges
but I'm not sure now I've read it again.
penultimate stanza, I'd probably stick an 'any on the end of the first line, again I think it would give a bigger impact.
"on the mention" in the last.
all that said, the poem the way it stands now is pretty epic in it's depth.
happy days man, shine on
nice translation from the mind, again somewhat uncanny in it's relate-ness.
There's a couple of suggestions I can make regarding my own preferences, whether it'd make sense to change the poem based on that I'm not too sure but I'll throw them out there.
first stanza, first line , doesn't really sit well because of the last word.
"lay down for me order
any sequence
or complacency
so that I may play my role"
see my problem here is I'd initially assume 'order was someones name. ie "lay down for me sally". a comma might suffice to counter that but I'd suggest an 'and between me and order.
lay down for me and order
any sequence
or complacency
so that I may play my role
second stanza. really deep there man , really deep.
at first I thought you could use a couple of more words on the second line to accentuate that thought the stanza contains ,
name the pathways
even if they're along the edges
but I'm not sure now I've read it again.
penultimate stanza, I'd probably stick an 'any on the end of the first line, again I think it would give a bigger impact.
"on the mention" in the last.
all that said, the poem the way it stands now is pretty epic in it's depth.
happy days man, shine on
Ah mr.dealer preciate much on read,thoughts, and suggestions...the order in first line, I axed altogether- sitting on thinking bout the " anys"
Edit:unaxed order...still sittin...hmmm
Edit:unaxed order...still sittin...hmmm
14th Oct 2012 2:37am
14th Oct 2012 2:59am
