force field

there is a force, a compelling force,
which sits uninvited in my heart.
it guides and propels me to be everything i detest.

i daily make myself uglier.

i stood by.
practically encouraged,
the mishandling of my offering of warmth.
until an ugly, empty carcass
was all that remained
of the child i once was.

i deserted myself.
i stopped attending.
i drifted, no, floated, away.

i walked into the other room.
leaving myself alone and unprotected.
i don't think i even ever looked back.

now, i continue to infect the tender, intimate, remaining sores, creating residual scars,
the remnants,
the fingerprints,
of far too many mistakes.


i have so much unhealed in me i wonder how i can walk around.


i need you to see me.
really see me.
not who you think i am,
and not who you think i should be.

i need you to see
my ugliness, my wretchedness, my beauty.
i need you to see
my vile, contemptible, shriveled, vacant self.

I reek of self-pity
I reek of self-loath

(selfishness is all it is)

and it disgusts me.


the second ax falls
before the last head rolls off the block.