Bloodly Pain

blood, pain
that's what keeps me from going insane
nails dug into flesh, teeth into lip
skin peeled from a finger tip
pain keeps me humble
pain makes it so I don't stumble
I may lose the battle and cry
but at least I can say that I try
try to keep the beast within me
trying to keep both parts of me happy
liquid fire courses through my veins
and slowly, so slowly it is stilled by my nail caused pains
dried blood under pale nails and on pale skin
no one understands all the anger I try to hold back to rein in
I would rather hurt myself and be in pain
then hurt other people and by anger be driven insane
it is addicting to dig my nails through layers of my own skin
what will the one I love think when he learns the secret to my scars? will he then realize what trouble he has gotten himself in
who needs knives when nails can do the same thing?
but I don't want to use pain anymore to control my fire, looking for that something
pain and pleasure are the only ones I know
so which will I turn to? which will I go?
pain reminds me I control my anger and my anger doesn't control me
pleasure on the other hand has caused me nothing but heartbreak and misery
I look for God every single day
I suppose this unearthly silence is just His way...