Nolan

It was only going to be fifteen minutes
just a shower
I told him to stay inside
 
as the water hit my head
I closed my eyes
I heard tires squeal
 
I ripped open the shower curtain jumping out
I slipped falling hard on the floor
getting up and grabbing a towel, running out the door
 
I smelled the burning rubber
I saw people crying
I ran, in slow motion
 
there in the street, my boys bike
the back tire still spinning
I remember screaming and screaming and screaming
 
someone tried holding me back
I broke free
I went immediately to the ground
 
looking for my boy under that car
looking for my baby
hoping it wasn't him
 
hoping,
hope is not welcome in my life
hope failed me
 
my boy broken and crumbled
my boy was dead  
my baby was gone
 
I remember laying half under the car in a towel
holding my baby's hand
fire trucks and police cars everywhere
 
I laid there with him and cried
fire fighters were trying to pull me away
they pulled and I felt my boys fingers slip out of my hand
 
they had to pull me away
they needed to get him out from under that car
seeing his lifeless body, was surreal
 
they put him in the ambulance
I climbed in the back with him
I held him the whole way there
 
fifteen minutes
just a shower
I told him not to go outside
 
I refused to let him go
they wanted me to put him down
they wanted to take him inside the hospital
 
holding my dead baby in the back of an ambulance  
wearing a towel soaked with my tears and my baby's blood
no way they were taking him, not yet
 
this was not supposed to happen
only fifteen minutes just a fucking shower,
why did he go outside?
 
they brought out a therapist
she was talking to me but I heard nothing
I only felt emptiness
 
I held on to Nolan for as long I could
I refused to let anyone take him
I carried my baby into that hospital
 
everyone was staring at me and my baby
they lead me into a room and I laid Nolan down
I held his hand in disbelief
 
fifteen minutes
just a shower
he wasn't supposed to go outside