Don't ask

 


oh so casually
somewhere between 'hello'
and 'what do you do'
she asks about this empty womb
 
I don't know what to answer
     tick tock
 
that I killed them
too greedy to share
this 'freedom'
 
that I lacked the courage
to see their faces looking back at me
disappointed
 
that I got so busy
counting pay packets
and left that packet
closed
 
that I was too poisonous to grow life
grew cancers instead
got the whole sorry mess ripped out
and grew no more
 
that nieces and nephews
were enough
that nieces and nephews
weren't enough
 
that I loved a man
who already had children
and traded all for him
while he lasted
     tick tock
 
I won't tell her
that I lost them all
before they had names
or drew free breath
and that I feel them still
     
I could pick any answer    
or invent one    
but there'll be no justification    
from me    
the clock long since stopped    
     
emptiness    
doesn't speak