Nikkimoe Goes To Jail

Getting drunk and high
the usual Friday with friends
I drove in Nadia's car
she ended up getting trashed

I took the liberty of driving us home in her car
almost there,I need to make a left that's it
when I put the blinker on
I shut the headlights off

behind me
cop lights
I know I am screwed
I don't have a license

to busy staring at the lights in the rearview
to notice I've gone slightly up the curb
I look forward just in time to see the stop sign
as I hit it, well bent it

cops get out the typical routine
license registration and insurance
they ask me to step out
they ask if I have been drinking

that's when I notice they are sheriffs
I try and explain my friend was to drunk to drive
so I with no license drove
they run my name

they handcuff me throw me in the back
I am on my way to jail
this will be my first trip to the clink
awesome

I get there
first problem is the strip search
the woman tells me to take off my pants and undies
she says bend over and spread your butt cheeks

I looked at her and said no fucking way
she told me to do it or there were six men cops who would make me
so
I bent over and spread my butt cheeks

most humiliating thing that has ever happened to me
so far in this story
after they look in my butt they put me a cell
they call it the bull pen

I am in the cell with like twenty or so cracked out broads
one decides she is going to fuck with me
she starts talking crazy shit asking me if I want a kiss
I move away to another part of the cell yet she is relentless

she comes at me while undoing here pants
screaming something about junky pussy
I go towards the glass and pound on it
that pissed the guards off

they move me to another area they call the bam-bam ward
now I am in a cell with a woman who is wrapped in only a sheet
no jail get up on
I'm not there for two minutes before she starts freaking out

shes is pounding on the glass when the deputy's arrive
she tells them I ate her pills
I am like what the fuck lady
the dep's pull me out of the cell

they say they have a special place for me now
the chair
they take me into an office
they get the chair

the chair is like an office chair with arms and a neck
except....
this chair has hand cuffs on the arms and around the legs
it comes with some sort of fighter pilot seat belt vest thing

they make me sit down they begin cuffing my arms and feet
I'll admit it, I was scared shitless at this point
then they get those plastic hand cuffs the ones they use in raids
they were double cuffing my arms and feet

yeah I was ready to piss myself
then
they put the plastic cuff around my neck to the chair
they strap me in the vest

they proceed to get a brown paper bag
they put it over my head
then I was being pushed somewhere
I heard the door slowly jerk shut I knew it was a cell

alone and cuffed to a chair with a paper bag over my head
I was crying and thinking about what I did that was so wrong
they were treating me like Hannibal Lector
like I ate their mothers face or something

the Sheriff comes and sees me
the big guy who runs the joint
he takes the bag off my head
he asked me what happened and how I got in the "chair"

I tell him the whole story leaving nothing out
he says he will be back
I think great someone cares!
he comes back
he takes the bag and puts it back on my head

then he starts kicking my chair all over the cell
screaming liar!!! liar!!! your a fucking liar!!!
I just sat there, couldn't do much else to defend my self
he kept kicking the chair and screaming

that went on for a bit
then he left
I peed on myself
in protest I guess or maybe I did it out of fear I'm not sure

several hours later a dep came
he rolled the chair back to the office
he removed the bag and cuffs
then he said good news! your going home

it was morning Nadia had sobered up enough to free me
I got my clothes I got an envelope with my jewelery
I also got post traumatic stress disorder
we left, we rode home in silence I was still all whoa in the head

I think about that day a lot
I have never been arrested again
I hate certain types of offices chairs
I wonder if others out there were also victims of the chair

I always wondered if it was legal what they did
I feel I was kinda mentally and physically tortured
I freaking peed myself in that chair
yep that's what happened when Nikkimoe went to jail.