deepundergroundpoetry.com
Naiv
(for the "UGLY" comp)
a pity about the transparent shell
making you ten times resilient
because it's disgusting
to see every
oozing, pulsing organ
through such bulletproof glass
i'm livid, in fact
that there's no phasing
your clockwork predictability
and still your simple company
could leak into morning
leaving its tell-tale stench
on my favourite boots
you deserved no small kindness paid
but i felt[a moment] for that horrid face
the spindly neck and dazey eyes
that suck subtleties from their posts
one hopes they would defend
i cradle the idea that
you are only a small creature
hideous as you may be
wide as your territory spreads its legs
and i respect
that nature is what dictates
your squealing
to the moon and tribes and stars
but your presence will never again
let its bile onto my floor
my suedes remember well those drink-laden eyes
and when you next defile my own
light is my weapon of choice
a pity about the transparent shell
making you ten times resilient
because it's disgusting
to see every
oozing, pulsing organ
through such bulletproof glass
i'm livid, in fact
that there's no phasing
your clockwork predictability
and still your simple company
could leak into morning
leaving its tell-tale stench
on my favourite boots
you deserved no small kindness paid
but i felt[a moment] for that horrid face
the spindly neck and dazey eyes
that suck subtleties from their posts
one hopes they would defend
i cradle the idea that
you are only a small creature
hideous as you may be
wide as your territory spreads its legs
and i respect
that nature is what dictates
your squealing
to the moon and tribes and stars
but your presence will never again
let its bile onto my floor
my suedes remember well those drink-laden eyes
and when you next defile my own
light is my weapon of choice
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 9
reading list entries 0
comments 23
reads 1030
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The author encourages honest critique.
Re: Naiv
30th Sep 2012 9:36pm
Standing aside, I rest;
the shadowless body drops at my feet,
with the sun directly above.
the shadowless body drops at my feet,
with the sun directly above.
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re: Re: Naiv
1st Oct 2012 8:04am
i wish i'd had that ending in mind from the beginning. victorious [:
thank you for stopping in!
thank you for stopping in!
Re: Naiv
Jes.
jesus. So are you saying that you don't luv me no more :D
nah, all seriousness aside , there is a huge amount of passion woven into these words. I don't think I have ever read a voice quite like it in your whole backlog.
Passion breathes poetry (or is it vice versa)
your narrators voice is , as she says, livid. She starts off swinging punches without any real let up, then throws a few boots in too.
Speaking of, on that line "I'm livid in fact that" I would probably put 'because or 'cos instead of that.
It's easy enough deciphered I think and I see you've used as lessa words as you could. Stanza and structure seem fine.
That's some wild imagination you got there Lady,not sure if I'd like to be a kid around a campfire if its your turn to tell a story.
Anyhoo Mrs , good job ,nice read,fair play, shine on
jesus. So are you saying that you don't luv me no more :D
nah, all seriousness aside , there is a huge amount of passion woven into these words. I don't think I have ever read a voice quite like it in your whole backlog.
Passion breathes poetry (or is it vice versa)
your narrators voice is , as she says, livid. She starts off swinging punches without any real let up, then throws a few boots in too.
Speaking of, on that line "I'm livid in fact that" I would probably put 'because or 'cos instead of that.
It's easy enough deciphered I think and I see you've used as lessa words as you could. Stanza and structure seem fine.
That's some wild imagination you got there Lady,not sure if I'd like to be a kid around a campfire if its your turn to tell a story.
Anyhoo Mrs , good job ,nice read,fair play, shine on
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re: Re: Naiv
1st Oct 2012 8:12am
haha, thank you, Eamon. you know i tend to appreciate poetry once the writer has chilled the fuck out usually, as opposed to trying to write with their head still in the throes. but thanks for your kindness, i know it's far from my best effort. [:
oh yeah, when i'm in the campfire zone, kiddies fear my monsters... nevermind that my sense of storyline needs professional help. [:
oh yeah, when i'm in the campfire zone, kiddies fear my monsters... nevermind that my sense of storyline needs professional help. [:
Re: Naiv
1st Oct 2012 2:16am
Hell yeah. Rant on ma'am. It's always a good thing to spit a little venom every now and again.
wide as your territory spreads its legs
and
my suedes remember well those drink-laden eyes
are especially nice lines. Admittely a different tone for you, but it does what it does well.
wide as your territory spreads its legs
and
my suedes remember well those drink-laden eyes
are especially nice lines. Admittely a different tone for you, but it does what it does well.
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re: Re: Naiv
1st Oct 2012 8:15am
well thanks, Bragg [:
i see DP's sussed that it was a bit of a rush job, and he'd be exactly right. usually i take a lot longer in my process so that could have something to do with the change of voice. thanks for the props... always appreciate your visits. [:
i see DP's sussed that it was a bit of a rush job, and he'd be exactly right. usually i take a lot longer in my process so that could have something to do with the change of voice. thanks for the props... always appreciate your visits. [:
Re: Naiv
Anonymous
1st Oct 2012 5:37am
i like the sustained burn, the escalation to something that could turn out to be a fine revenge rant...all very rocky horror.
i think you produced the first draft of this piece indecently quickly :-)
dp
i think you produced the first draft of this piece indecently quickly :-)
dp
![Anonymous](/images/avatars/_nopicmini.gif)
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re: Re: Naiv
1st Oct 2012 8:25am
ah, my favourite sailor. [:
i think i produced most of it indecently, and aye, quickly as well. haha, thank you for the feedback, my dear, or for seeing anything in it at all. the reception and feeling it's got has taught me to think better of posting next time, but leaving it here is an exercise in humility and a reminder on perspective: poetry vs. venting 101 - back to the drawing board. [:
i think i produced most of it indecently, and aye, quickly as well. haha, thank you for the feedback, my dear, or for seeing anything in it at all. the reception and feeling it's got has taught me to think better of posting next time, but leaving it here is an exercise in humility and a reminder on perspective: poetry vs. venting 101 - back to the drawing board. [:
Re: Naiv
1st Oct 2012 5:46am
Very strong imagery, passionate in it's loathing. Well written and felt. I like it. :)
- Eve -
- Eve -
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re: Re: Naiv
1st Oct 2012 8:27am
thanks so much, Eve [:
i should have had more of a goal for the ending, but i figure burning the fucker's insides would be fine enough. glad you felt it, and thanks again for reading. [:
i should have had more of a goal for the ending, but i figure burning the fucker's insides would be fine enough. glad you felt it, and thanks again for reading. [:
Re: Naiv
2nd Oct 2012 2:08pm
Passionately written, and gruesomely expressed in some parts. Great use of language, very evocative, easily felt and conveyed, in all the emotions from unadorned anger to hints of apathy and the pleasure of karma/vengeance.:)
I'd pick a fave part, but I'm lazy and I love it all. :D
Peace, Indie
I'd pick a fave part, but I'm lazy and I love it all. :D
Peace, Indie
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re: Re: Naiv
3rd Oct 2012 10:38am
yay! [:
Indie, you know i fully respect your opinion, so thank you. i tried not to throw up onto the screen, but a little perspiration (at least) may have seeped out there... haha, means a lot that you caught the pieces i felt, but wasn't sure were conveyed in the muted explosions. [:
Indie, you know i fully respect your opinion, so thank you. i tried not to throw up onto the screen, but a little perspiration (at least) may have seeped out there... haha, means a lot that you caught the pieces i felt, but wasn't sure were conveyed in the muted explosions. [:
Re: Naiv
5th Oct 2012 4:55pm
Vitriol spit honest like a drunken Walt Whitman. There's a natural hypnotism in that, which guides a reader direct into the viper's strike. I like the tightening feeling near the end of this piece.
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re: Re: Naiv
5th Oct 2012 11:04pm
hey, LoL, it's been a while since i've seen your pawn. thank you much for the insights and seeing into this bit o' babble.
Re: Naiv
9th Nov 2012 3:54pm
"and still your simple company
could leak into morning
leaving its tell-tale stench
on my favourite boots"
Fantastic imagery. Strong, solid write here. Much kudos.
could leak into morning
leaving its tell-tale stench
on my favourite boots"
Fantastic imagery. Strong, solid write here. Much kudos.
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re: Re: Naiv
10th Nov 2012 9:25am
thank you, Micah! it's a vent-write, and i needed it more than the rest of the world did. glad you saw something there though. thanks for reading [:
Re: Naiv
11th Dec 2012 9:56pm
I thoroughly enjoyed how this rocked back and forth between solid, and surreal. You captured "anger" in and of itself with that. :)
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re: Re: Naiv
12th Dec 2012 8:47am
hey, thank you so much! anger inspires me more than love most of the time, but i should probably let it calm down before i start using such plump words... they're too juicy for an anger poem. [:
much appreciate your eyes, madame. [:
much appreciate your eyes, madame. [:
Re: Naiv
25th Dec 2012 8:59am
Re: Naiv
25th Jun 2014 7:23pm
more disdain than anger. a curled lip and spit forming.
images: a wide eyed snot rag of a girl you hate. she gets shit-faced. she is impervious through obliviousness. you no longer contact her or answer her texts.
how close?
images: a wide eyed snot rag of a girl you hate. she gets shit-faced. she is impervious through obliviousness. you no longer contact her or answer her texts.
how close?
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re: Re: Naiv
hmmm, no. someone took me to a 'party' where our friends were meant to be, tried to molest me, threw money at me while i was storming out the door, then told everyone he slept with me. i was unhappy. glad you could tell. [:
re: re: Re: Naiv
26th Jun 2014 9:29pm
i didn't get that, which is neither surprising nor a bad thing.
--what a dick hole.
--what a dick hole.
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