deepundergroundpoetry.com

Journey Through The Darkness

"Travel to the dark place."

But to travel there is scary,
it means leaving the sunlight
behind. If only I can tie
an anchor to my love and
when the darkness becomes
too much he can pull me
back. Am I ready to travel
back to the place that I was
meant to leave behind? The place
of pretty razors and twisted whispers.
I wanted to get better, didn't I?
Stop being paranoid-- Stop cutting--
Stop being clingy-- Stop being scared--
Stop getting angry-- Stop crying--
Just stop. Stop everything.
Stop writing-- Stop sleeping--
Stop the stories-- Stop the characters from speaking--
Stop the words from flowing-- Stop the poetry--
Stop my heart-- Cut my life--
Allow me to enjoy my last breath, my final right.

Was that last comment suicidal?
Is it bad that I enjoy the taste of that sour note in my mouth?

I'm not home yet, although
I feel it is close. I need to
find my darkness again but
still keep a hold on my light.
I'm scared to find the balance
and reopen my Pandora's box.
But I am not me if I shut
half of me out. My mother
won't understand and she'll
try tipping the scales at
the first chance she's got.
Is my sanity and creativity
worth being seen as a monster
again? How will Andrew take the news?
Will I be a good mother still?
Am I still a good girlfriend?
Am I gonna be a bad daughter again?

Will the suicidal dreams return?
Will I live through a character's
life instead of my own?
Is my story over I can't
remember how to write?
If I was to travel back
into the dark, re-awake my
depression and become who I was--
Will I still be me?

Am I still me?

Because I feel empty right
now and am unsure how to
feel alive again.
With all my joys--
Love, life and writing, my soul.
I feel sick.
Tears threaten to fall.
But I will not.

Find the balance and find out who I am.