Left Behind

Each line holds few words, but those words say so much. Amazing.

Thank you Levi. It's always a pleasure to have you stop by.

X

wow Rachel. Such a simple structure to great effect, the whole thing is like a delicate whisper echoing on the wind. Lovely imagery and personal touches that make this something special.
 
Peace, Indie

:D I made you say "wow"! My favorite word to see when someone reads my poetry, especially from someone like you whom I admire and respect so much as a poet and a person.

Thanks a bunch!

XxXxX

Hauntingly sad, Rachel!

Very nice.

Strider.

Thank you Strider. I am honored for the add and the compliment.

Thank you much for stopping by.

X

Such beauty and pain here in your words Rachel. I find myself wrapped in the ethereal often, reaching out to those I have lost.

A wonderful pen.

Thank you so much for your kind words and understanding Magdalena. I truly appreciate it.

I remember structure talk. This works fantastically, and so beautiful.(sometimes i feel gay saying that word, that was one of them)

Really like the way you used the word 'adagio', and the whole verse with it is quite astounding. The poem is very fluident and I see no problems with it, apart from maybe a word, but that's personal picks.

Very well executed.

Yay! I am glad that the structure works. I played with it for a while before I landed on where it is at.

It's okay, I won't tell anybody that you said beautiful. :P

I was pretty excited about 'adagio', so I am glad it works too.

There are a few words I still may want to tweek later.

I am thrilled you stopped by and left such kind feedback.

Thanks!

rachel


when i saw the title i was reminded of a song
i used to listen to a while ago. dont bother.
ha! but then i saw the category and :] now we are talking. my favourite genre.

straight to work.



your presence
lingers loudest
in the silence


[wonderful. despite the silence-loudness connection
has been overdone, it still works for me. cos' its used
differently here. welldone.]


I hear
your laughter

[would suggest the use of an adjective before laughter.
somehow i felt a void. just me.]


it lovingly
wraps its melody
around my hips

[bravo. a beauteous image. awe.]

we dance
to songs
forgotten

[this is a fall from the high of the previous stanza. i would
suggest to alter it as it lacks the majick. just a suggestion.]

the scents
of driftwood
and mandarin
follow
each adagio
and sways
to our harmonies

[ahhh. this is superlative. i almost danced in joy to see this.
this is a stand alone poem on its own. beautiful beautiful.
i love the ambition and flair that you have displayed here.

however i am perplexed w.r.t the use of madarin.

mandarin could mean: the chinese dialect or a variant
of orange[citrus fruit] which is used for religious purpose.
not many are aware of the latter. mandarin, thus in
mainstream, means the chinese dialect [like cantonese]
i would love to know about this. but this is still one of
the best stanzas/poems i have seen from you. bravo. ]  



each kiss
echoes
of iridescent
whispers
from butterfly
wings

[love the imagery here. the flair is still intact. 'of' is redundant. ]


you
are everywhere

nowhere

an illusion
you
left behind
forgotten
abandoned

[slightly unclear. the previous stanza that begins with
'an illusion...' is the reason. does it borrow the 'you'
before it? i mean is the 'you' a carry forward here?
if yes, then separate it. i often use this technique.
it baffles many so you must proceed with caution.

if not, then the previous stanza is still confusing.
i might be dense here.  a little modification might
do the trick and convey the meaning.

what/who is the illusion? that is unclear. ]



please
come back

please
call on
your
ghost


[:] bravo! this is the perfect. just perfect.
cinematic. it reminded me of avant garde
new wave cinema and mny other things.
clinical and astoundingly well done. subtle
and yet powerful.


the suggestions/critique is JMHO.

this is one the best from you in my opinion.
love the theme you have explored here and
how understated and minimal you are in your
execution. you should pen more of these.:]


just a bit here and there and this jewel
will dazzle. you have warmed my heart,
poetess.

shine on [o crazy diamond]

lovelight,

sumeet

xx

Sumeet! Thank you times 3, haha. :D

"you
are everywhere

nowhere

an illusion
you
left behind
forgotten
abandoned

[slightly unclear. the previous stanza that begins with
'an illusion...' is the reason. does it borrow the 'you'
before it? i mean is the 'you' a carry forward here?
if yes, then separate it. i often use this technique.
it baffles many so you must proceed with caution.

if not, then the previous stanza is still confusing.
i might be dense here.  a little modification might
do the trick and convey the meaning.

what/who is the illusion? that is unclear.]"


A little unclear about your question.

I will tell you what it means, and if it needs tweeking, tell me...

He has died and left everything behind, including his ghost, his presence...the narrorater needs him to come back and get it, so she could move on...OH! I need to add that last part! Anyway, what do I need to do with the 'you'? I am confuseled.

You know how much I appreciate your time.
 

ah rachel

now its clear. thank you for explaining.

'you are...

an illusion
you
left behind
...'

makes sense.  i could not connect
'illusion'. getting rusted i suppose.

write on.

xx

Glad I was able to clear that up for you. ;)

"each kiss echoes of iridescent whispers from butterfly wings" is a striking vision. Wonderful phrasing.

Thank you Ken. I appreciate your comment!

XxXxX

lingers loudest in the silence. Yes it does!! Great read.

Thanks!!! :D

X

A delicate and melancholy piece, wonderful to read.

Red

Thank you Gypsy!

So glad you stopped by.

XX

Ahhh Rachel.

Such a nice flow.  Your versatility is what I love about your style.  You will spread you wings in any genre.  

Hugs to you as always.

Kym, you have such a great soul about you. Always with the perfect thing to say.

Thank you stopping by for the read and the lovely comment.

XXXXX

Reminds me of one of my favorite piano players, Bruce Hornsby.

Ah, lovely compliment. Thank you. To make you think of music, rather than words to a song, is an honor.

Thanks for stopping by!

I am deeply moved by the passion emoted in this poem. It reflects such beauty, offers a benevolent vibe. Ty for sharing

Thank you Alecia. I am glad you like it. Thanks for the add too!

~X~

your presence
lingers loudest
in the silence

so terrifyingly beautiful...

mandarin was powerful for me,as the smell is forever memorable...
thanks Rachel

Thank you Aya for stopping by with your kind words. :)

To echo another reader: Wow. This is lovely Rachel. I could almost feel the want of... such longing. Tragic but beautiful all the same.

Thank you so much ST. I am so glad you were able to feel what I was trying to portray. A great compliment.