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Mine The Gap
(collab of Bliss and Prophet)
Gloss the finish
Cold Hard Cash
The lingo spread
The hive's diseased
Wafers
Street cred desired
Jive turkey spouting
Mad ill tripe soup
To the misbegotten
Drunks
Mending fences
Torched
Bridges burnt
unto the ground,
leaving a wild ravine
between,
Seeking to fly,
Don't try
to leap the gap...
Just like a swan
Whose wings
they tried
to clip
but
they slipped,
only clipping
one,
Leaping
for
The other side,
Just spin again,
Falling down
unto
the ground
Singed the grounds
Wilt into stilted
Climbs
Ravines
Hotted
Breathes
Breathed
Harsh
Slumbers
Concubines
Discovered
New
perspectives
uncovered
for the
collective,
Following
Gravity,
Deep
into The Earth
Spit up
& Spewed forth,
Like steam
From a Geyser
Spouting
Flowing
Glowing
Gleaming
Obsidian
Like
Drops
The
Fluid
Soars
Naught but
Mists
in The Midst
Scattered
Everywhere,
Opening
Portals
To Lands
Once
Lost
Unto
Time
Gloss the finish
Cold Hard Cash
The lingo spread
The hive's diseased
Wafers
Street cred desired
Jive turkey spouting
Mad ill tripe soup
To the misbegotten
Drunks
Mending fences
Torched
Bridges burnt
unto the ground,
leaving a wild ravine
between,
Seeking to fly,
Don't try
to leap the gap...
Just like a swan
Whose wings
they tried
to clip
but
they slipped,
only clipping
one,
Leaping
for
The other side,
Just spin again,
Falling down
unto
the ground
Singed the grounds
Wilt into stilted
Climbs
Ravines
Hotted
Breathes
Breathed
Harsh
Slumbers
Concubines
Discovered
New
perspectives
uncovered
for the
collective,
Following
Gravity,
Deep
into The Earth
Spit up
& Spewed forth,
Like steam
From a Geyser
Spouting
Flowing
Glowing
Gleaming
Obsidian
Like
Drops
The
Fluid
Soars
Naught but
Mists
in The Midst
Scattered
Everywhere,
Opening
Portals
To Lands
Once
Lost
Unto
Time
Published 16th Aug 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
16th Aug 2012 10:31am
Because you have asked for honest critiscism I will try my best to give you some.
Firstly - Should it be 'mind' the gap?
I think the way that it reads makes it seem like it's a list of words, so (and this is JMHO) a few more descriptive words to bridge the gaps so to speak may be helpful here.
Now, the choice of words is excellent - 'spit up and spewed forth' is a great example of this. They are strong and give this piece hope.
I think with a little tweaking this could be great :)
Firstly - Should it be 'mind' the gap?
I think the way that it reads makes it seem like it's a list of words, so (and this is JMHO) a few more descriptive words to bridge the gaps so to speak may be helpful here.
Now, the choice of words is excellent - 'spit up and spewed forth' is a great example of this. They are strong and give this piece hope.
I think with a little tweaking this could be great :)
16th Aug 2012 11:08pm
Um, No. 'Mind The Gap' is the origin of the thought, but we took it a step further. "Mine", with its various meanings, such as to mine from a mine. My partner in this poem has a very specific writing style. He doesn't add in unnecessary words, and he writes in a certain way that drops the words down, more than telling a specific story. Thank you for your critique. Yet to alter it in the ways you suggested is just not in keeping with the style of our poem
