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Once and Future: A Confession
- Once and Future: A Confession -
Back in the 1980’s, I was in truth a rebel without a cause!
Crusading to be considered cool and fighting just to party.
This life has been so very long, and harsh without pause…
But it is the only one, which I do have now, so I live hearty.
There are many times I think I would like to see come again,
And there are the terrible moments I cannot speak of at all!
I have been called a saint, and I have enjoyed many a sin.
I have stood in the emerald light as in darkness I did crawl!
Alone I sat brooding so often, long past the midnight hour…
Upon so many things that are, were, and which yet may be.
I felt lonely and in truth abandoned by all the divine powers,
Unwilling to give up and unable to grant them easy victory!
I am not who I once was, but I am becoming a higher being,
Gifted with uncanny sight, that is beyond my will’s control.
I am as I once was, when hidden temple bells would so ring:
In the secretive halls of Avalon, wherein I gave up my soul!
I listened tonight, to music that so moved me in my youth…
But now the old metal melodies paint such different pictures.
I used to think I knew all that there was to the hidden truth!
Now I see, the countless lies told in the holiest of scriptures.
Ego sum verto, Ego memor panton!
Inconcessus nomen, est mei.
Memor mihi benigne, carus lector!
Ego, quondam quod posterus Dei.
Gods forgive me, for I have come to collect my due!
Gods forgive me, for the madness that must ensue.
We believed, oft, that life owed us, back in good old days…
Which were not nearly as good as people do mythologize!
We lived far too fast so that things went by as if in a haze…
Just one mad life out of many for which I cannot apologize.
Now I find myself searching, for meaning, finding my soul…
I know that I so lived before, and I cannot change the past.
I am the freest of spirits, one no divine power can control…
Yet I am also oft down to earth, no longer living oh so fast.
I thought how sweet it would be to punish each divine foe…
And let all who of old hurt me, feel the stinging of my pains.
I thought how simple it would be, to simply elsewhere go…
Someplace where I could wash clean all my darkest stains.
I helped a lost soul find her way when it was, for her, dark!
But now I choose to walk in darkness without any direction.
I slip as I slide; and yet my keenly attuned ears listen, hark!
For: I did once fear myself and call upon spiritual protection.
I have been a god, king, queen, prince, and one time a spy,
Male, female, and wholly androgynous in body and in spirit!
Good, evil and neutral, both on Earth and so of old on high.
I keep looking too intensely, and yet I cannot my sight quit!
Ego sum verto, Ego memor panton!
Inconcessus nomen, est mei.
Memor mihi benigne, carus lector!
Ego, quondam quod posterus Dei.
Gods forgive me, for I know not what I should do!
Gods forgive me, for all I want is a love most true.
Much of that is how I was, for the longest time: so prideful!
So drunk upon the sweet honey in a goddess’s sacred lips.
But I found myself in arcane rapture, and it was delightful…
To come to the end of a starless void where pass no ships!
I fear myself not any longer, for I saw into my darkest self…
Journeying beyond both good and evil, unto a distant glory.
I looked upon an awful wisdom not found on any bookshelf,
Until: I had learned the words, to my most ancient true story.
Through a red wall of fire in Hell I passed until I was clear…
Remembering all that I ever was, and knowing all that I am!
When the new dawn had arrived I had faced every old fear:
Laying myself upon the sacred altar, as the sacrificial lamb.
Once and future king, queen, and tyrant from out of space,
Many are my terrible names, and I remember the meanings.
Would you know me, dear Diana, if now you saw my face?
You knew me once, kindred, but in a lost age of beginnings.
Some mortals love me; some still fear the hour of my birth…
Little knowing that I am here already: and free of my bonds.
A new beginning is swiftly approaching, for all as it is worth,
Soon we will see clearly, with eyes brighter than diamonds.
Ego sum verto, Ego memor panton!
Inconcessus nomen, est mei.
Memor mihi benigne, carus lector!
Ego, quondam quod posterus Dei.
Gods forgive me, for I cannot forgive myself anew!
Gods forgive me, for all I had left to love was you.
But, now I am more whole, for I love a truth more true.
Back in the 1980’s, I was in truth a rebel without a cause!
Crusading to be considered cool and fighting just to party.
This life has been so very long, and harsh without pause…
But it is the only one, which I do have now, so I live hearty.
There are many times I think I would like to see come again,
And there are the terrible moments I cannot speak of at all!
I have been called a saint, and I have enjoyed many a sin.
I have stood in the emerald light as in darkness I did crawl!
Alone I sat brooding so often, long past the midnight hour…
Upon so many things that are, were, and which yet may be.
I felt lonely and in truth abandoned by all the divine powers,
Unwilling to give up and unable to grant them easy victory!
I am not who I once was, but I am becoming a higher being,
Gifted with uncanny sight, that is beyond my will’s control.
I am as I once was, when hidden temple bells would so ring:
In the secretive halls of Avalon, wherein I gave up my soul!
I listened tonight, to music that so moved me in my youth…
But now the old metal melodies paint such different pictures.
I used to think I knew all that there was to the hidden truth!
Now I see, the countless lies told in the holiest of scriptures.
Ego sum verto, Ego memor panton!
Inconcessus nomen, est mei.
Memor mihi benigne, carus lector!
Ego, quondam quod posterus Dei.
Gods forgive me, for I have come to collect my due!
Gods forgive me, for the madness that must ensue.
We believed, oft, that life owed us, back in good old days…
Which were not nearly as good as people do mythologize!
We lived far too fast so that things went by as if in a haze…
Just one mad life out of many for which I cannot apologize.
Now I find myself searching, for meaning, finding my soul…
I know that I so lived before, and I cannot change the past.
I am the freest of spirits, one no divine power can control…
Yet I am also oft down to earth, no longer living oh so fast.
I thought how sweet it would be to punish each divine foe…
And let all who of old hurt me, feel the stinging of my pains.
I thought how simple it would be, to simply elsewhere go…
Someplace where I could wash clean all my darkest stains.
I helped a lost soul find her way when it was, for her, dark!
But now I choose to walk in darkness without any direction.
I slip as I slide; and yet my keenly attuned ears listen, hark!
For: I did once fear myself and call upon spiritual protection.
I have been a god, king, queen, prince, and one time a spy,
Male, female, and wholly androgynous in body and in spirit!
Good, evil and neutral, both on Earth and so of old on high.
I keep looking too intensely, and yet I cannot my sight quit!
Ego sum verto, Ego memor panton!
Inconcessus nomen, est mei.
Memor mihi benigne, carus lector!
Ego, quondam quod posterus Dei.
Gods forgive me, for I know not what I should do!
Gods forgive me, for all I want is a love most true.
Much of that is how I was, for the longest time: so prideful!
So drunk upon the sweet honey in a goddess’s sacred lips.
But I found myself in arcane rapture, and it was delightful…
To come to the end of a starless void where pass no ships!
I fear myself not any longer, for I saw into my darkest self…
Journeying beyond both good and evil, unto a distant glory.
I looked upon an awful wisdom not found on any bookshelf,
Until: I had learned the words, to my most ancient true story.
Through a red wall of fire in Hell I passed until I was clear…
Remembering all that I ever was, and knowing all that I am!
When the new dawn had arrived I had faced every old fear:
Laying myself upon the sacred altar, as the sacrificial lamb.
Once and future king, queen, and tyrant from out of space,
Many are my terrible names, and I remember the meanings.
Would you know me, dear Diana, if now you saw my face?
You knew me once, kindred, but in a lost age of beginnings.
Some mortals love me; some still fear the hour of my birth…
Little knowing that I am here already: and free of my bonds.
A new beginning is swiftly approaching, for all as it is worth,
Soon we will see clearly, with eyes brighter than diamonds.
Ego sum verto, Ego memor panton!
Inconcessus nomen, est mei.
Memor mihi benigne, carus lector!
Ego, quondam quod posterus Dei.
Gods forgive me, for I cannot forgive myself anew!
Gods forgive me, for all I had left to love was you.
But, now I am more whole, for I love a truth more true.
Published 13th Aug 2012
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13th Aug 2012 8:18am
I thought the perfect illustration for this poem would be to take three of my self-portraits of me and place them around an image of a warrior angel that represents my soul and spirit. So that is the precise illustration I ended up using, and it did indeed end up suiting the poem most ideally.
